Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole. “I’ve been giving it some serious thought, and I’ve finally decided to take the plunge and start treating people like shit,” said Halloran, 29, adding that he had several friends who became assholes, and it seemed to be working out for them. “I’m just going to see how it feels for now, no pressure. If it doesn’t work out, I could always go back to acting like a decent person. But who knows? Maybe becoming an asshole is exactly what I need.” At press time, Halloran had decided that becoming a total asshole was more challenging than he thought and had settled on just being kind of a dick for the time being.

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