adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Local Man Vows Revenge Against Atlantic Ocean

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Following a harrowing experience last Thursday in which vacationer Seth Harris got caught in the Atlantic Ocean's undertow and almost drowned, the 26-year-old promised to take vengeance on the 41.1-million-square-mile body of water, which as of press time covered one-fifth of the globe.

"No one can pull something like this without suffering the consequences," said Harris, adding that the 28,000-foot-deep ocean would "rue the day" it made a swift change in current while Harris was swimming inside it. "Anywhere [the Atlantic Ocean] goes, I'll be right there waiting for it."

The Earth's second largest body of water is the latest addition to Harris' revenge list, which also includes the Appalachian Mountains, the cardinal direction north, and Todd.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close