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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Local Man Vows Revenge Against Atlantic Ocean

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Following a harrowing experience last Thursday in which vacationer Seth Harris got caught in the Atlantic Ocean's undertow and almost drowned, the 26-year-old promised to take vengeance on the 41.1-million-square-mile body of water, which as of press time covered one-fifth of the globe.

"No one can pull something like this without suffering the consequences," said Harris, adding that the 28,000-foot-deep ocean would "rue the day" it made a swift change in current while Harris was swimming inside it. "Anywhere [the Atlantic Ocean] goes, I'll be right there waiting for it."

The Earth's second largest body of water is the latest addition to Harris' revenge list, which also includes the Appalachian Mountains, the cardinal direction north, and Todd.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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