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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Local Man Vows Revenge Against Atlantic Ocean

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Following a harrowing experience last Thursday in which vacationer Seth Harris got caught in the Atlantic Ocean's undertow and almost drowned, the 26-year-old promised to take vengeance on the 41.1-million-square-mile body of water, which as of press time covered one-fifth of the globe.

"No one can pull something like this without suffering the consequences," said Harris, adding that the 28,000-foot-deep ocean would "rue the day" it made a swift change in current while Harris was swimming inside it. "Anywhere [the Atlantic Ocean] goes, I'll be right there waiting for it."

The Earth's second largest body of water is the latest addition to Harris' revenge list, which also includes the Appalachian Mountains, the cardinal direction north, and Todd.

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