Local Man Would Like Fries With That

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Vol 31 Issue 06

Sex Officials Add New Base Between Second And Third

WASHINGTON, DC—Adolescents across the nation were thrilled by the U.S. Sex Department's announcement Monday that a new base will soon be added. According to Sex Department spokesperson Pat Phelps, the added base will immediately follow second, the touching of breasts, and precede third, the touching of genitals. The new base will involve "the sliding of the hand between the butt cheeks." Sex officials stressed that the base would only be considered reached if the plane of the outer buttocks is broken by the edge of the hand. Baltimore resident Todd Kerr, 15, reported reaching the new base Tuesday with Suzy Hebert, 14, but U.S. sex officials are disputing the claim, asking Kerr to "prove it."

Out-Of-State License Plate Seen

SEYMOUR, IN—In a rare instance of roadway variety, a license plate from a far-away state was spotted on Maple Lane Tuesday. The exact state from which the vehicle originated was not known, as it was too far away for witnesses to make out the license's fine print. "I think it might have been from New York, because I think I saw that picture of the Statue of Liberty in the middle," said Milton Herkimer, who lives at 45 Maple Lane. "But maybe it was a pelican." Neighbor MarySue Petersen said she "thought it said 'California' across the top," but acknowledged that "I didn't have my reading glasses on at the time." Despite widely varying descriptions of the license plate, all agreed that it was "not from Indiana."

IRS Now Requiring Taxpayers To Tip

WASHINGTON, DC—Internal Revenue Service officials pushed legislation through Congress Monday requiring all taxpayers to add a gratuity of "no less than 12 percent" to 1997 income-tax payments. "We work hard," IRS director Hiram Stockton said, "and, apparently, many taxpayers don't realize that IRS agents rely on tips to make ends meet." The new era of mandatory tipping is expected to be a boon for IRS agents, many of whom say they could not subsist on the voluntary, often-meager tips of the past. "We process forms in a timely fashion, send out refunds promptly, and always stop by each taxpayer's home to ask, 'Is everything all right here? Can I get you anything else?' as often as we can during the tax-filing season," IRS processing agent XJRC-1582H-GY3-5 said. Families with eight or more dependents will have a 20 percent gratuity automatically added to their tax bill. Failure to tip will result in a $50,000 fine and/or up to 15 years in federal prison.

Former Presidents Convene For Liver Spot Summit

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Liver spots topped the agenda this weekend at a summit held by the four living former U.S. presidents. Meeting at Gerald Ford's Southern California ranch, the presidents discussed numerous liver-spot-related issues. Jimmy Carter reported having them on his arms. "I have them all over my face," Gerald Ford said. "I also have them on my chest." Secret Service agents were dispatched several times in Air Force Two to procure special, security-cleared vials of Pond's Medicated Cream for the talks. Also on the summit agenda: wheezing, moving from a seated to standing position, and arm fat. Secret Service costs for protecting the four living ex-presidents amounted to $27 billion for the three-day summit.

The X-Files' Ann Gillian Is Back On The Market!

Item! X-Files star Ann Gillian is now X-Wife Ann Gillian. According to one of my better inside sources, the deadly agent with a license to thrill was taking too many risks for her husband's liking. So, he packed the china, and it was adios! Can you believe some guy would walk out on America's sexiest CIA agent? Somebody ought to check his pulse! Anyway, if you're reading this column, Ann, I'm still free this Saturday night!

That Wisecracking Duck Is A Pest

Last week, I became highly displeased with my nurse's inability to read to me. She speaks as though her mouth is full of porridge, and it is agony watching her great, fat lips make mush of the effervescent prose of Horatio Alger.

Hi, I Have Cancer

Hi there! What'cha up to? Just hanging out? Me, too. My name's Jerry. I have cancer.

Air Force Follies

In the past few weeks, U.S. Air Force pilots have been involved in a number of dangerous incidents involving irresponsible flying. Most notable were two incidents in New Jersey last week, in which F-16 jets chased commercial airliners out of their flight patterns. What do you think?

Stress Relief Tips

Did you know that 9 out of 10 Americans experience stress at least once a day?* In this fast-paced, high-pressure society of ours, it’s easy to become "stressed out." Here are a few handy tips for coping:
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Local Man Would Like Fries With That

ERIE, PA—Eleventh-hour lunch-rush negotiations came to a successful conclusion Monday when, following a 30-second period of deliberation, area resident Don Turnbee opted to accept the McDonald's corporation's suggestion that he have fries with that.

Consumer Don Turnbee considers his side-order options.

Though the fries were not part of Turnbee's initial purchase proposal to the fast-food giant, the addition of the processed, potato-based food item to his mid-day meal was a concession he felt would best serve his short-term side-order selection needs.

"I wasn't gonna get fries at first," Turnbee said. "But then I wound up getting them."

After carefully reviewing his food-choice options based on such factors as cost, availability and deliciousness, Turnbee arrived at the decision that a meal of Chicken McNuggets, an apple-pie wedge and a chocolate shake would best fulfill his mealtime requirements. "At that point, fries were not part of the agenda," said Irwin Horne, Turnbee's lawyer. "However, the counterperson/cashier's friendly smile, courteous demeanor and low-pressure 'soft sell' technique of politely asking if Mr. Turnbee would like fries with that made the fry purchase seem like a viable compromise to my client."

Public-relations professionals employed by the McDonald's corporation agreed. "To us, this represents a real 'win-win' situation," McDonald's vice-president of media relations Nathan Kravitz said. "By actively suggesting that Turnbee have fries with that, the McDonald's corporation was able to successfully maximize its profit potential on the deal. In turn, Mr. Turnbee reaped the undeniable benefits of the hot, salty fries in question, enabling him to better enjoy his meal."

Turnbee was similarly satisfied by the outcome of the negotiation. "I ate at McDonald's," Turnbee told co-worker Ned Flaherty upon returning from his lunch break. "It was good, I guess."

Added Turnbee: "Where'd you eat, Ned?"

Reports indicate that while consuming the fries Turnbee also enjoyed the color-coordinated, muted-pastel interior design of the Erie-area McDonald's restaurant, as well as an informative pamphlet detailing the company's socially responsible rainforest policy.

Turnbee's decision to opt for the fries is seen by experts as evidence that the economy is strong enough to support future Turnbee-backed fry purchases.

"I believe within the next few months we will see a strong upsurge in fry purchases by Turnbee," Harvard University professor of economics H. Franklin Reuthven said. "After nearly a full year of downsizing his meals, cutting back on items such as fries and onion rings, and opting for smalls instead of mediums, Turnbee finally appears ready to increase side-order consumption and may possibly even Super-Size."

McDonald's employee Brian Krinsky, the counterperson who negotiated the Turnbee food order, downplayed his role in the successful consumer transaction.

"After he was done ordering, I was like, 'Any fries with that?'" the 14-year-old Erie native told reporters. "We have to ask everybody that. They make us do it. My friend Brad says it's orders from the regional manager. Same reason I gotta wear this gay name tag."

As a reward for his faithful adherence to corporate policy, Krinsky will receive greater mopping and stocking responsibilities in the future. In addition, according to sources close to the assistant weekend manager, a five-cent raise "may be on the way."

Turnbee is expected to continue to patronize the popular fast-food chain. When asked about the likelihood of his choosing to have fries with that in the future, Turnbee said, "I could go either way on the fries. But I guess I'll probably get them."

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