Local Manhattan Boy Makes Good

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Local Manhattan Boy Makes Good

Carson at the big firm where he works, nearly six miles from his childhood stomping grounds.
Carson at the big firm where he works, nearly six miles from his childhood stomping grounds.

NEW YORK—Despite his humble beginnings in a small three-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side, local Manhattan boy James Michael Carson has made a success of himself in the big city, sources reported.

Six years ago, Carson left his close-knit neighborhood in the affluent heart of New York City to pursue his dreams of becoming even more affluent in the city's financial district. Last week, he finally returned home.

"It makes me proud to see one of our own do so well for himself," said neighbor Janette Friedman, who remembers when Carson was just a small boy, waiting in the marble foyer of their apartment complex each morning for a livery car to take him all the way up to the Dalton School. "I always knew he was headed for big things."

In 2004, Carson, fresh out of business school and unsure what to do next, chose to leave the safe confines of home and try his luck in investment banking—a world in which he had no connections at all aside from one or two influential family friends.

With nothing in his pocket but the money his parents had put aside years ago specifically to cover all of his expenses, Carson set out to make his own separate personal fortune as a Wall Street trader.

Carson's humble childhood home: "It feels like a shoe box" compared to the 67th-floor penthouse where he now lives.

"He was the first member of our family ever to go below 14th Street," said Carson's sister, the novelist Karen Carson-Skyles. "We are so proud of what he's managed to accomplish. It just goes to show that dreams really do come true."

"Just as they have for pretty much every generation of our family since the mid-1800s," she added.

According to Carson, many people he meets are surprised to learn he is the product of a broken home, but his parents—Carolyn Layton, a psychiatrist, and Stephen Carson, a thoracic surgeon—divorced when he was only 18. Fortunately, they continued to provide him with unconditional support, as well as nearly unlimited financial resources.

Carson chose to enroll at Columbia University, a decision that took him across Central Park and into a scary new environment he had never experienced before, except on occasional visits to Lincoln Center.

"James really shone at Columbia," recalled Professor Craig W. Harmon, who served as the young man's undergraduate adviser. "It was obvious right from the beginning that he would be successful, largely due to his pedigree, but also because he showed a willingness to do whatever was required to finish a course with at least a passing grade."

Added Harmon, "Also his grandfather had made several large donations to Columbia and we couldn't in our right minds fail him."

After graduation, Carson took a year off to "see the real world" in Europe before returning to his studies and eventually earning an MBA. The big move downtown came when he took up residence in a vacant apartment owned by his uncle Charles, a choice that ruffled the feathers of relatives who found the place wholly unsuitable for entertaining.

Despite such obstacles, Carson never let his far-flung location limit his potential: In the past three years, he's married, made $10 million, and helped engineer the failure of a major Wall Street bank.

The proud family man said Friday that he moved back to the Upper East Side because he wanted to give back to the neighborhood that had given him so much, and to that end he has donated $75,000 to the Guggenheim Museum.

"I'm just a guy who applied himself and took advantage of the myriad financial, social, and familial opportunities available to him," Carson told reporters from his hometown newspaper, The New York Times. "Sure, when I was growing up, all four of us had to crowd into one tiny breakfast nook, and maid service was only three times a week, but I'll never forget the lessons my parents and nanny taught me about hard work and perseverance."

"Namely, that it doesn't matter very much," he added.