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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Local Man's Fear Of Snakes Increases With Each Snakebite

PONCA CITY, OK—Highway engineer Dan Guischard, 29, has an irrational phobia of snakebites that only worsens with each successive snakebite, sources close to him said Monday. "He was pretty bad already before that rattler got him while he was surveying the Highway 44 on-ramp, and he became practically intolerable after he was bitten by a cottonmouth on that camping trip," said friend John Lancie, who recalled that Guischard once missed three weeks of high school because of a snakebite. "It's so bad now that, last week, when he was changing a flat and saw a snake, he totally lost it. Which is probably why the snake bit him." Guischard, packing for a two-week family vacation to the Arizona desert, was unavailable for comment.

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