adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Local Man's Fear Of Snakes Increases With Each Snakebite

PONCA CITY, OK—Highway engineer Dan Guischard, 29, has an irrational phobia of snakebites that only worsens with each successive snakebite, sources close to him said Monday. "He was pretty bad already before that rattler got him while he was surveying the Highway 44 on-ramp, and he became practically intolerable after he was bitten by a cottonmouth on that camping trip," said friend John Lancie, who recalled that Guischard once missed three weeks of high school because of a snakebite. "It's so bad now that, last week, when he was changing a flat and saw a snake, he totally lost it. Which is probably why the snake bit him." Guischard, packing for a two-week family vacation to the Arizona desert, was unavailable for comment.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close