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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Local Merchant 'Sane Freddie' Driven Out of Business

Unable to Compete With New Breed of Insane Retailers

SCHAUMBURG, IL—A era in discount merchandising came to an end Sunday, when the last of the famed Sane Freddie’s electronics stores closed its doors, a victim of what one industry analyst termed “the trend toward psychosis in American retail.”

“I am a reasonable human being with reasonable prices,” said Frederick “Sane Freddie” Klein. “My competitors, on the other hand, are insane. I can no longer compete. A Panasonic XBS-2000 CD boom box with detachable speakers and MegaBass for $129? That’s pure madness. A Magnavox 19-inch TV with SurroundSound for $199? Utter insanity.”

Klein, 43, built an audio and video empire and became a familiar figure on television with his promises of “rational prices and lucid service.” Customers had long marvelled at his ability to keep his head about him and control his temper, even during the enormously hectic holiday shopping season.

“His stores were models of moral and intellectual stability,” said Frances Noonan, a long-time friend and customer of Klein’s. “Whether I was buying a new Aiwa-brand 300-watt stereo or just a few 12-packs of Duracell AA batteries, everyone who worked there was consistently coherent. ”

Those familiar with the retail industry say there is no longer room for merchandisers such as Klein in an era dominated by schizophrenic, paranoid and utterly delirious entrepreneurs.

“This was inevitable,” said Douglas Lehman of The Wall Street Journal. “If you look around the business landscape right now, the big retailers are Schizophrenic Johnny’s, Mentally Ill Nate’s, and Electronics Gone Completely Awry. These places are owned and staffed by the certifiably insane, and their prices are so low they reflect a profound loss of contact with reality.”

Reaction among Klein’s competitors was mixed. “Bat-shit Freaking Insane” Johnny Petrocelli, whose self-named string of electronics stores recently opened its 200th outlet, gloated over the business demise of the man he said had “installed the transmitting bug in my ear that sends my thoughts to the head of the CIA.”

Offering kinder words was kitchen appliance tycoon “Nutty” Nate Roberts, one of whose 13 separate personalities, ‘Victor,’ praised Klein as “my Daddy.”

Electronics is but one of many industries being revolutionized by the current demand for mental illness in business. $45 million was made last year by Psychopathia Sexualis Mufflers, an automotive-supply store founded jointly by 15 patients of the California Home for the Criminally Insane. 

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