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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

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Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Local Merchant 'Sane Freddie' Driven Out of Business

Unable to Compete With New Breed of Insane Retailers

SCHAUMBURG, IL—A era in discount merchandising came to an end Sunday, when the last of the famed Sane Freddie’s electronics stores closed its doors, a victim of what one industry analyst termed “the trend toward psychosis in American retail.”

“I am a reasonable human being with reasonable prices,” said Frederick “Sane Freddie” Klein. “My competitors, on the other hand, are insane. I can no longer compete. A Panasonic XBS-2000 CD boom box with detachable speakers and MegaBass for $129? That’s pure madness. A Magnavox 19-inch TV with SurroundSound for $199? Utter insanity.”

Klein, 43, built an audio and video empire and became a familiar figure on television with his promises of “rational prices and lucid service.” Customers had long marvelled at his ability to keep his head about him and control his temper, even during the enormously hectic holiday shopping season.

“His stores were models of moral and intellectual stability,” said Frances Noonan, a long-time friend and customer of Klein’s. “Whether I was buying a new Aiwa-brand 300-watt stereo or just a few 12-packs of Duracell AA batteries, everyone who worked there was consistently coherent. ”

Those familiar with the retail industry say there is no longer room for merchandisers such as Klein in an era dominated by schizophrenic, paranoid and utterly delirious entrepreneurs.

“This was inevitable,” said Douglas Lehman of The Wall Street Journal. “If you look around the business landscape right now, the big retailers are Schizophrenic Johnny’s, Mentally Ill Nate’s, and Electronics Gone Completely Awry. These places are owned and staffed by the certifiably insane, and their prices are so low they reflect a profound loss of contact with reality.”

Reaction among Klein’s competitors was mixed. “Bat-shit Freaking Insane” Johnny Petrocelli, whose self-named string of electronics stores recently opened its 200th outlet, gloated over the business demise of the man he said had “installed the transmitting bug in my ear that sends my thoughts to the head of the CIA.”

Offering kinder words was kitchen appliance tycoon “Nutty” Nate Roberts, one of whose 13 separate personalities, ‘Victor,’ praised Klein as “my Daddy.”

Electronics is but one of many industries being revolutionized by the current demand for mental illness in business. $45 million was made last year by Psychopathia Sexualis Mufflers, an automotive-supply store founded jointly by 15 patients of the California Home for the Criminally Insane. 

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Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

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MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

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