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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Local Merchant 'Sane Freddie' Driven Out of Business

Unable to Compete With New Breed of Insane Retailers

SCHAUMBURG, IL—A era in discount merchandising came to an end Sunday, when the last of the famed Sane Freddie’s electronics stores closed its doors, a victim of what one industry analyst termed “the trend toward psychosis in American retail.”

“I am a reasonable human being with reasonable prices,” said Frederick “Sane Freddie” Klein. “My competitors, on the other hand, are insane. I can no longer compete. A Panasonic XBS-2000 CD boom box with detachable speakers and MegaBass for $129? That’s pure madness. A Magnavox 19-inch TV with SurroundSound for $199? Utter insanity.”

Klein, 43, built an audio and video empire and became a familiar figure on television with his promises of “rational prices and lucid service.” Customers had long marvelled at his ability to keep his head about him and control his temper, even during the enormously hectic holiday shopping season.

“His stores were models of moral and intellectual stability,” said Frances Noonan, a long-time friend and customer of Klein’s. “Whether I was buying a new Aiwa-brand 300-watt stereo or just a few 12-packs of Duracell AA batteries, everyone who worked there was consistently coherent. ”

Those familiar with the retail industry say there is no longer room for merchandisers such as Klein in an era dominated by schizophrenic, paranoid and utterly delirious entrepreneurs.

“This was inevitable,” said Douglas Lehman of The Wall Street Journal. “If you look around the business landscape right now, the big retailers are Schizophrenic Johnny’s, Mentally Ill Nate’s, and Electronics Gone Completely Awry. These places are owned and staffed by the certifiably insane, and their prices are so low they reflect a profound loss of contact with reality.”

Reaction among Klein’s competitors was mixed. “Bat-shit Freaking Insane” Johnny Petrocelli, whose self-named string of electronics stores recently opened its 200th outlet, gloated over the business demise of the man he said had “installed the transmitting bug in my ear that sends my thoughts to the head of the CIA.”

Offering kinder words was kitchen appliance tycoon “Nutty” Nate Roberts, one of whose 13 separate personalities, ‘Victor,’ praised Klein as “my Daddy.”

Electronics is but one of many industries being revolutionized by the current demand for mental illness in business. $45 million was made last year by Psychopathia Sexualis Mufflers, an automotive-supply store founded jointly by 15 patients of the California Home for the Criminally Insane. 

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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