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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Local Mosque Only Rated 1.5 Stars On Yelp

DES MOINES, IA—With complaints about everything from “raggedy prayer mats” to “the grimiest ablution fountain ever,” local Muslims have slammed the al-Wali Mosque on 14th Street as “the worst of the worst,” giving it an average review of 1.5 stars on the website Yelp. “Frankly, this place is a dump—between the poor lighting, the overall dirtiness, and the crowds, it’s almost impossible to concentrate on anything pure or holy,” user Faruq43 wrote in a scathing review posted this week, claiming that he once even had his shoes stolen from the mosque when he removed them for Friday prayers. “On top of that, it doesn’t even face Mecca. Seriously! According to my iPhone, it’s at least 10 degrees off. I now drive an extra half hour to the masjid in Ames just to avoid this place.” According to congregants, the place of worship’s only five-star review, an unqualified rave, was almost certainly posted by the mosque’s imam.

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