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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Local Mosque Only Rated 1.5 Stars On Yelp

DES MOINES, IA—With complaints about everything from “raggedy prayer mats” to “the grimiest ablution fountain ever,” local Muslims have slammed the al-Wali Mosque on 14th Street as “the worst of the worst,” giving it an average review of 1.5 stars on the website Yelp. “Frankly, this place is a dump—between the poor lighting, the overall dirtiness, and the crowds, it’s almost impossible to concentrate on anything pure or holy,” user Faruq43 wrote in a scathing review posted this week, claiming that he once even had his shoes stolen from the mosque when he removed them for Friday prayers. “On top of that, it doesn’t even face Mecca. Seriously! According to my iPhone, it’s at least 10 degrees off. I now drive an extra half hour to the masjid in Ames just to avoid this place.” According to congregants, the place of worship’s only five-star review, an unqualified rave, was almost certainly posted by the mosque’s imam.

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