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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Local Mosque Only Rated 1.5 Stars On Yelp

DES MOINES, IA—With complaints about everything from “raggedy prayer mats” to “the grimiest ablution fountain ever,” local Muslims have slammed the al-Wali Mosque on 14th Street as “the worst of the worst,” giving it an average review of 1.5 stars on the website Yelp. “Frankly, this place is a dump—between the poor lighting, the overall dirtiness, and the crowds, it’s almost impossible to concentrate on anything pure or holy,” user Faruq43 wrote in a scathing review posted this week, claiming that he once even had his shoes stolen from the mosque when he removed them for Friday prayers. “On top of that, it doesn’t even face Mecca. Seriously! According to my iPhone, it’s at least 10 degrees off. I now drive an extra half hour to the masjid in Ames just to avoid this place.” According to congregants, the place of worship’s only five-star review, an unqualified rave, was almost certainly posted by the mosque’s imam.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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