Local Motorist Urged To Free Tibet

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Vol 31 Issue 21

Model Railroading A Harsh Mistress

UTICA, NY—Tom Collins, a 49-year-old data technician and father of seven, announced Monday that model railroading is a harsh mistress. "Model railroading, like the Sea, can be a kind lady, but make no mistake, she can also be a cold and angry harpy," Collins said. "In times of yore, men tested their mettle against the Sea, but in these modern times, a man proves his virility one way only: building, maintaining and running a model-railroad set-up in his garage or den." Collins advised using Testor's-brand epoxy glue for miniature trees and letting them dry for at least 24 hours.

Area Teens Find Once-In-A-Lifetime Love

VALDOSTA, GA—Despite living in a harsh, unaccepting world in which their dads won't let them have the car past 11 p.m. on Fridays, area teens Brianna Fahey and Kurt Mulroney have found true, once-in-a-lifetime love in each other. "We have something that many never find, no matter how long they look: our soulmates," the teens, who have been officially 'going out' since May, said Thursday. "No other love could ever be as special as ours." When asked what was so special about their relationship, Fahey said, "I totally love Karl. He wants to have sex all the time, and I even want to let him. That kind of connection only happens when it's true love." The couple expects their first baby in approximately eight months.

Rat Fancy Magazine Fails To Catch On

NEW YORK—Despite massive market-saturation and advance promotion, the first three issues of Rat Fancy, a new monthly magazine devoted to rats and the people who love them, has failed to generate the level of consumer interest necessary to continue publishing, editor Frankie DelGabrio said Monday. "Despite being packed with rat photos, true-life stories about rats, and helpful rat-care tips, it somehow hasn't found its audience," DelGabrio said. "The June issue, which features a precious, full-color centerfold of a hungry rat family approaching a sleeping baby in its crib, will sadly be the magazine's last." Added DelGabrio, "I love sweet, cuddly rats with all my heart."

Rupert Murdoch Acquires Cable

LOS ANGELES—Media-industry giant Rupert Murdoch made perhaps his most significant move ever Monday, acquiring cable for his L.A.-area mansion for an estimated $35 a month. "This puts me in strong TV-watching position well into the next century," said Murdoch, who, according to a Wall Street Journal report, also paid a $50 hook-up fee as part of the deal. "With some 50 channels now in my possession, my vast media empire cannot be rivaled." Murdoch acquired the stations by using his vast holdings and market influence as leverage against his local cable provider, who, sources say, approved the deal within four to five seconds. Murdoch promised that the cable acquisition will pave the way for "a historic ass-couch merger."

U.S. Anachronism At 'All Time High,' Says Truman

INDEPENDENCE, MO—At a press conference Monday, former president Harry S Truman declared that U.S. anachronism levels are at "an all-time high." Responding to the recent rash of jitterbugging, British taxation without representation, and talk of the Teapot Dome scandal, the deceased leader called on all citizens to "join me and Bess in saving up scrap iron for the war so our boys over there can drive the Spanish back." Truman also urged citizens to use caution when using whale-blubber-burning oil lamps.

Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft head Bill Gates, already considered by many to be among the most powerful men in the world, further increased his powers Monday, augmenting several of his key statistics to near-immortal levels.
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Local Motorist Urged To Free Tibet

LHASA, TIBET—The two million citizens of Chinese-occupied Tibet are placing their hopes for liberation in the hands of Susan Unger, a Chicago-area woman who on Monday saw a bumper sticker urging her to free the long-oppressed land.

The people of Tibet are hopeful that Mount Prospect, IL, resident Susan Unger will respond to a bumper sticker she recently saw and free them from Chinese rule.

"She has heard our plea, affixed to the back of [Chicago resident] Joshua Hartley's 1987 Toyota Tercel," said Dar Rhamsala, leader of the Tibetan Free People's Resistance Movement. "We pray that she will now help us."

The 26-year-old Unger, who has vowed to do everything she can to free Tibet despite her lack of experience at resolving international crises, was driving to a local pet store when she spotted the sticker. "As soon as I saw the Free Tibet sticker, with its slogan fashioned in yellow, Oriental-style characters superimposed over the Tibetan flag, I knew I had been confronted with the truth. I simply had to act."

Unger has already requested time off from her job as a customer-service representative at First Chicago Bank to fly to Tibet and meet with leaders from both sides. She said she hopes to have the situation resolved by next Friday, when she has to be back at work.

"If I can't convince [Chinese Premier] Li Peng to pull out of Tibet altogether, hopefully I can at least get him to stop all the human-rights violations," Unger said. "I just hope I can get it done quickly--Tibetan lives are at stake. And besides, I've only got eight vacation days saved up."

Unger said that on her diplomatic visit she will bring along a "Free Tibet" bumper sticker, which she hopes to show to Premier Li. In 1993, a band of Tibetan resistance fighters attempted to flash a copy of the persuasive sticker in front of Li, but he turned away before he could read its powerful message. The fighters were hanged, and the incident resulted in a massive bumper-sticker crackdown throughout China and Tibet.

"An attractive, brightly colored sticker, if placed in a highly visible spot like the rear bumper of an automobile, could theoretically move millions of motorists to political action," University of Washington political-science professor Karl Young said. "And in the case of Miss Unger, she encountered the sticker during her commute or 'personal drive-time,' a period of the day when commuters are at an unusually high level of political awareness. My suspicion would be that she is one of many who have been moved to free Tibet by this sticker."

Joshua Hartley, owner of the Toyota displaying the bumper sticker, was not surprised by Unger's revelatory experience.

"My 'Free Tibet' sticker, placed in a position of honor at the rear of the vehicle, is a profound expression of my belief that Tibet should be freed from Chinese tyranny and returned to its rightful status as an independent nation," Hartley said. "It is a message that, when delivered through this format, cannot be ignored. I'm not surprised that its powerful message has moved others to action."

Added Hartley: "Raising awareness is the key."

A 1996 Department of Transportation driver-awareness study shows that during any given hour spent behind the wheel, the average motorist spends 42 minutes visualizing world peace, reaffirming his or her commitment to apply the brakes for animals, or, in the case of lovers, contemplating relocating to Virginia.

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