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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Local Neurotic To Undergo Invasive 32,000-Hour-Long Therapy Procedure

NEW YORK—Manhattanite Ted Friar, who has been battling chronic neuroses for more than 20 years, elected to undergo a highly invasive 32,000-hour Freudian therapy procedure Tuesday. "I know it's risky, but I have no other choice," Friar, 47, said as his team of psychoanalysts prepared for the thrice-weekly, several-decade-long treatment, which offers only a 10 percent chance of recovery. "I just hope they can break through my blocked memories and get rid of any underlying guilt in time." Friar's doctor, noted therapist Eli Wasserbaum, added that possible complications of the procedure include erectile dysfunction, liver damage, and bankruptcy.

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