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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Local Neurotic To Undergo Invasive 32,000-Hour-Long Therapy Procedure

NEW YORK—Manhattanite Ted Friar, who has been battling chronic neuroses for more than 20 years, elected to undergo a highly invasive 32,000-hour Freudian therapy procedure Tuesday. "I know it's risky, but I have no other choice," Friar, 47, said as his team of psychoanalysts prepared for the thrice-weekly, several-decade-long treatment, which offers only a 10 percent chance of recovery. "I just hope they can break through my blocked memories and get rid of any underlying guilt in time." Friar's doctor, noted therapist Eli Wasserbaum, added that possible complications of the procedure include erectile dysfunction, liver damage, and bankruptcy.

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