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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Local News Anchor Mistakenly Reveals Salary During Broadcast

PITTSBURGH—Veteran anchorman Don Cannon accidentally revealed his annual salary on-air Wednesday following a KDKA-TV News At 6 segment on the increasing costs of attending a four-year college. "Gosh, it seems like people everywhere are trying to do more with less," Cannon remarked to co-anchor Patrice King Brown, referring to a family interviewed in the report. "Take it from me, it's no picnic sending three kids to school when you're only making $220,500. And that's before taxes." After the broadcast, KDKA was inundated with résumés from unemployed Pittsburghers, all emphasizing the fact that they, too, possess faces and can read aloud.

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