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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Local News Anchor Mistakenly Reveals Salary During Broadcast

PITTSBURGH—Veteran anchorman Don Cannon accidentally revealed his annual salary on-air Wednesday following a KDKA-TV News At 6 segment on the increasing costs of attending a four-year college. "Gosh, it seems like people everywhere are trying to do more with less," Cannon remarked to co-anchor Patrice King Brown, referring to a family interviewed in the report. "Take it from me, it's no picnic sending three kids to school when you're only making $220,500. And that's before taxes." After the broadcast, KDKA was inundated with résumés from unemployed Pittsburghers, all emphasizing the fact that they, too, possess faces and can read aloud.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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