Local Newscaster Enjoys Celebrity Status At Charity Fun Run

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Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
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Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

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House and Home

  • Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

    YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Local Newscaster Enjoys Celebrity Status At Charity Fun Run

WAUWATONKA, WI—Local newscaster Randall "Herch" Herchwick is no stranger to the spotlight. As a member of WTNK's award-winning Channel 15 Action News Team, his nightly reports on crucial, late-breaking stories are seen by hundreds of people throughout the tri-county area. But the popular TV personality enjoyed a taste of even greater stardom Sunday, when he was the special celebrity host of the 14th Annual Wauwatonka Area Charity Fun Run.

Randall Herchwick

"I guess I'm used to people recognizing me," said the 44-year-old Herchwick, who, in addition to anchoring the 6 p.m. news, co-hosts the weekly Wauwatonka Live At Five. "It happens once or twice a week—at the grocery store, at Sears, at the garage where I get my tires rotated, you name it. But this event was really something special. Seeing all those people and getting a chance to meet so many of my fans in person, well, it really brought home to me just how much of a celebrity I actually am."

The Wauwatonka Area Charity Fun Run—held just outside Wauwatonka in nearby Plovis—consistently attracts big-name celebrities. Past hosts have included such notables as former Wauwatonka mayor Fred Underwood, Big Ed's Bar-B-Que owner Edward "Big Ed" Gartner, and local hair-care expert and beauty-salon manager Lynette Murkowski, winner of the Wauwatonka Chamber of Commerce 1992 Young Entrepreneur of the Year Award.

But despite the star power of these past hosts, the consensus among the estimated 450 people who attended this year's fun run agreed that Herchwick is the biggest luminary to host the proceedings yet.

"Landing a celebrity of Randall Herchwick's magnitude was a real coup for us, and I know it really boosted community participation," said Iris Schmidt of First Federal Bank of Plovis, the event's principal sponsor. "As a TV star, he lent an air of showbiz glamour, truly making this 'an event to remember' for all of us here at Federal Bank Of Plovis—and everyone throughout the greater tri-county region."

As celebrity host, Herchwick's duties included welcoming and "warming up" the crowd before the race, thanking the various event sponsors, and firing the official starter's gun. He also signed 8x10 glossies of himself for fans, distributed free Action News promotional stickers reading, "WTNK—News You Can Use©," and waved to cameras from atop the Channel 15 Action NewsTruck, which was on hand to document the occasion. Footage of Herchwick cheerfully performing his hosting duties was used in a special "WTNK—Reaching Out To The Tri-County Community" feature segment on Action News later that evening.

Participants in the Herchwick-hosted 14th annual Wauwatonka Area Charity Fun Run.

"Of course, being a celebrity, 'Herch' enjoyed a variety of special privileges befitting someone of his status," said event co-organizer Thom Hebelvich. "That's just our way of saying thank you to him for graciously taking time out from his busy schedule to be here with us."

Herchwick not only received a free Wauwatonka Area Charity Fun Run T-shirt, but he was also treated to a special pre-race luncheon at the SkyView Club with race sponsors from throughout the Wauwatonka and Plovis business communities. In addition, he was given full access to the event's "VIP tent," which featured hot dogs, soft drinks and other complimentary food items courtesy of Kathy's Katering.

Fun-run attendees said meeting a star like Herchwick was a real thrill.

"I'd seen him on TV many times, so obviously you can understand how exciting it was to see him in person, up close," said Plovis homemaker Ellen Knapf, who brought her four children to watch the fun run and opening ceremonies. "He looks so different in real life!"

"I couldn't believe it," said another Herchwick fan, Wauwatonka elementary-school teacher Gwendolyn Briars. "I got up right next to him, and when he was signing my autograph, I told him that I'd actually met him once before, about eight years ago, during a Christmas party at the home of our pastor. And you know what? He remembered me! Sure, he's a big star now, but he hasn't let that change him." "What can I say?" Herchwick told reporters. "I've been in the public eye so long now, sometimes I forget just how lucky I am. All this acclaim and attention really makes me realize how much I've been blessed, and I thank the fans for that. I'm nothing without them. And it's important to remember that and to take time out to give back to the community, as I've done here today."

"You know, the irony of it all is that I actually had to leave the post-race reception a little bit early, because I had to pick up some suits at the cleaners," Herchwick added with a smile. "I guess it just goes to show you it isn't all glamour. I may be a celebrity, but at the end of the day, I'm really just a regular, ordinary guy like anybody else."