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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Local Office Betting On Who Will Win NCAA Tournament Pool At Other Office

ROCHESTER, NY—In what has become a yearly tradition, employees at the office of Institutional Investors filled out brackets Wednesday and placed bets on who will win the NCAA "March Madness" pool being held in the S.G. Schilling Inc. offices across the street. "All the people involved are equally uninformed, so it's anyone's bet," said assistant media planner Evan Glazer, adding that the pool helps build camaraderie in the office. "I like to do a little research. Mike; Doug Smith or Smitts; Mr. Shernoff; that project analyst guy, they're always the top seeds. I'm predicting that Caroline, the cute and feisty office manager, is going to pull an upset this year, but that's a risky pick. Also, I used to work with [HR coordinator] Will [Krepack] at another company, so I have to favor him." The majority of employees claimed that actually winning the pool would certainly be exciting, but the biggest thrill comes from betting on what other people are betting on.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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