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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Local Office Betting On Who Will Win NCAA Tournament Pool At Other Office

ROCHESTER, NY—In what has become a yearly tradition, employees at the office of Institutional Investors filled out brackets Wednesday and placed bets on who will win the NCAA "March Madness" pool being held in the S.G. Schilling Inc. offices across the street. "All the people involved are equally uninformed, so it's anyone's bet," said assistant media planner Evan Glazer, adding that the pool helps build camaraderie in the office. "I like to do a little research. Mike; Doug Smith or Smitts; Mr. Shernoff; that project analyst guy, they're always the top seeds. I'm predicting that Caroline, the cute and feisty office manager, is going to pull an upset this year, but that's a risky pick. Also, I used to work with [HR coordinator] Will [Krepack] at another company, so I have to favor him." The majority of employees claimed that actually winning the pool would certainly be exciting, but the biggest thrill comes from betting on what other people are betting on.

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