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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Local Pool-Club Record-Holder Upset To Hear Michael Phelps Just Joined

ANN ARBOR, MI—Ann Arbor Pool Club member Edwin Peters, 32, a club record-holder in the 200-meter freestyle, the 200-meter individual medley, and the 200-meter butterfly, was disappointed to learn yesterday that Olympic champion Michael Phelps just joined the swimming club. "I understand records are made to be broken, but come on," said Peters, who is well aware that Phelps owns world records in the events previously mentioned. "I think this is going to make for a pretty lopsided club championship." Phelps was unavailable for comment, but many have said that his competitive nature will not allow him to take it easy on Peters or any other member of the Ann Arbor Pool Club.

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