Local Pre-Teen Violates Best Friend's Menstruation Non-Disclosure Agreement

In This Section

Vol 32 Issue 14

Exxon Donates $70 Million To Clean Up Portland Man's Life

PORTLAND, OR—In a move hailed by environmentalists as its first act of responsibility toward area resident Dan Fanshaw, Exxon Corp. announced that it will donate $70 million toward cleaning up Fanshaw’s life. Among the damage for which Exxon will compensate Fanshaw: his failure to get into medical school, the May ’97 death of his beloved dog Max, and his increasing addiction to anti-depressants. “It’s a mess,” Exxon spokesperson David Haller said. “But we are committed to cleaning it up.”

Chris Farley Has Hilarious Cardiac Arrest

NEW YORK—Obese comedian Chris Farley delighted dozens of onlookers Thursday, suffering an uproarious heart attack at a Manhattan restaurant. “He was enjoying our $10.99 all-you-can-eat lasagna special,” said Il Trattoria owner Ed Gianelli, “when he turned all red and started pounding on his chest. He then flopped onto a nearby table, smashing it into splinters and sending food flying in all directions. I was in hysterics. This guy is the next Belushi.”

St. Vincent To World's Catholics: Stop Donating All This Crap To Me

VATICAN CITY—Frustrated by the ever-mounting piles of used clothing, old magazines and rusting appliances accumulating in his name in thrift shops around the globe, St. Vincent made a plea to the world’s Catholics Monday to “stop donating all this crap to me.” “If one more paint-covered sweatshirt, dented crock pot, or any other piece of thrift-store garbage is dropped into one of my bins, I am going to snap,” said St. Vincent, named patron of works of charity in 1855. “Please, keep your worthless trash—I don’t want it.”

Rubenesque Woman Has Picassoesque Face

HANOVER, NH—Meredith Pierce, 33, a Hanover-area elementary-school teacher, is attracting the attention of the art world with her Rubenesque figure and Picassoesque face. “Her plump form reminds me of the voluptuous servant girl who voraciously eats the roast pig in Rubens’ Flemish Feast (1610),” Oxford University art-history professor Edmund Kent said. “But it is Pierce’s grotesque, asymmetrical face that truly distinguishes her: Her crooked nose and badly misplaced eyes evoke Picasso’s early experimentations with cubism, when he was struggling to capture the fractured nature of modern life, and her severely exaggerated forehead reminds me of Les Desmoiselles d’Avignon and other mid-period abstract works. Pierce’s face is a brilliant summation of the shattered, hideous absurdity of the human condition.” Pierce will be transferred to the Prado next month for a two-year installation.

Federal Government To Be Run By Cheaper Mexican Officials

WASHINGTON, DC—In a cost-cutting move expected to save taxpayers $50 billion a year, it was announced Monday that U.S. federal officials will be replaced by cheaper Mexican counterparts. “I want to thank you for this opportunity. We will do our best to run America as best we can,” said Ernesto Vasquez, the new president of the U.S. Vasquez said he will work closely with Vice-President Guillermo Reyes and members of El Senate and La Casa De Representatives to ensure a smooth transition of power. Vasquez will earn the lavish wage of $3.50 an hour as president, more than most of the new federal officials will earn per day.

Scientists Isolate Pepsi-Resistant Gene

SOMERS, NY—At a press conference Tuesday, scientists working for the prestigious PepsiLab facility announced the historic, first-ever isolation of the long sought-after "anti-Pepsi gene," the basic building block of DNA responsible for so-called "Pepsi resistance" in adult soda consumers.

U.S. Dept. Of Retro Warns: 'We May Be Running Out Of Past'

WASHINGTON, DC—At a press conference Monday, U.S. Retro Secretary Anson Williams issued a strongly worded warning of an imminent "national retro crisis," cautioning that "if current levels of U.S. retro consumption are allowed to continue unchecked, we may run entirely out of past by as soon as 2005."
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Race Relations

Local Pre-Teen Violates Best Friend's Menstruation Non-Disclosure Agreement

MASSAPEQUA, NY—Massapequa Junior High School became the center of heated controversy Monday, when sixth-grader Jodi Bevell, 12, was charged with violating a strict non-disclosure pact between herself and best friend Stephanie Luedtke regarding the commencement of Luedtke's menstrual cycle.

Bevell (left) and Luedtke in a 1996 file photo.

According to reports, Bevell "totally swore to God" not to reveal an Oct. 25 incident of vaginal bleeding by Luedtke—her first ever—to "a single soul." But despite the verbal agreement, Bevell allegedly informed fellow sixth-grader Ashley Weinstein about the episode.

"I can't believe she told Ashley that I got my period," a visibly shaken Luedtke told reporters. "She promised she would keep it a total, complete secret, and now everybody in school knows. Even Jason Koerner."

Luedtke said that after nearly eight months of best-friendship, she and Bevell are no longer friends.

Though Bevell initially denied violating the confidentiality pact, she later admitted relaying news of the Luedtke menstruation to Weinstein. Bevell stressed, however, that she did so only under the strict condition that Weinstein promise not to tell anyone else about Luedtke's menstruation.

"I told Ashley that I would tell her something about Jodi, but only if she swore to keep it a secret, because if it ever got back to Jodi that I said anything, I would be so dead," Bevell said. "But then she went and told [sixth-grader] Erica Zumbo, and then Erica told the whole rest of the school."

Luedtke learned of Bevell's breakage of the confidentiality pact during a three-hour telephone conversation Sunday night with Stacy Schlieffen, who was informed of the Luedtke menstruation by a friend of Zumbo's and was able to trace the information leak back to Bevell over the course of a series of conversations during lunch hour last Friday.

"From a legal standpoint, this represents a serious breach of trust," Luedtke's attorney, Milton Miller, said. "When Ms. Bevell agreed to preserve the confidentiality of my client's event, she entered into a verbal contract, which is as binding and irrevocable as a written agreement. Bevell knowingly chose to disregard both this verbal agreement and the lex non scripta of 12-year-old girls as it universally applies to periods."

Luedtke said she first discovered that she had "gotten it" while in the bathroom during the four-minute break between third and fourth hour, but did not have the proper feminine products on her person to remedy the problem.

She did, however, have some in her locker. "Luckily I had some you-knows in my locker that I'd been hiding since the school nurse gave them out at the girls-only assembly," Luedtke said. "The halls were empty, so I was able to sneak the box and the instruction booklet back to the bathroom, but I still ended up being late for science class. When I finally got to class, I told Mr. Reisberg that I was taking care of an emergency, and he didn't make me show him a pass or anything. Oh my God, I hope he didn't know."

George Reisberg, Luedtke's science teacher, said he knew immediately that the girl had gotten her period. "Red face, near tears, whispering, sweatshirt tied around the waist—it was pretty obvious," said Reisberg, who said he has seen this scenario "hundreds of times" in his 22 years at Massapequa Junior High School.

Besides being among the first in her grade to experience her menses, Luedtke is also among the first to begin wearing a bra, a fact that has made dress-out days in physical-education class "a nightmare."

To deal with the newly added problem of menstruation during gym class, Luedtke has devised a plan to change in the locker-room toilet stalls during the days of her period. But the plan's long-term prospects are questionable: Luedtke recently heard an unconfirmed report from Ashley Weinstein's older sister that in seventh grade, "you have to take showers with nothing on."

As of press time, Luedtke is refusing to accept Bevell's apologies, rejecting all attempted phone calls, as well as a spiral notebook page passed during Language Arts with the cursive, purple-felt-tip-pen-written message, "Are you still mad at me? Circle YES or NO."

"Jodi knew the consequences of violating the pact, and she cannot abrogate the infraction ex post facto," Miller said. "Jodi will have to accept responsibility for ruining Stephanie's life."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More