adBlockCheck

Local Prostitutes Eagerly Await Dentists' Convention

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Local Prostitutes Eagerly Await Dentists' Convention

LAS VEGAS–With the New Jersey Dental Association's annual convention less than one week away, excitement is building among the city's prostitutes.

Two of the countless Las Vegas prostitutes gearing up for next week's dentists' convention.

The four-day event, which will bring some 1,500 New Jersey dentist-johns to the Las Vegas MGM Grand Hotel, is expected to pump an estimated $75,000 into the local streetwalking economy.

"This is the big one," pimp Marlon "The Pearl" Evans said. "We don't see this kind of action from anyone else all year–the electronics-industry convention, the auto show, insurance seminars, no one. The average car dealer or pet-store owner in town for a convention might treat himself to a piece if he thinks he can spare it, but he doesn't have what we in the business call 'dentist money.'"

"The dentists' convention is where we pull out all the stops," said Lucy Calhoun, owner of Juicy Lucy's, a popular Vegas-area brothel. "The average dentist has an unusual combination of cash and low self-esteem that makes him an ideal customer."

Across the city, prostitution-sector employees are scrambling to make last-minute preparations for the anticipated rush. Madams are breaking in new girls, pimps are setting out extra strings of whores, and bordellos are putting up partitions in the pool rooms and throwing extra mattresses on the billiard tables. Most prostitutes will pull longer shifts beginning Wednesday in preparation for an expected 200 percent increase in tricks.

"I'm definitely going to have to put in some overtime when those dentists hit town," area hooker Candi Walters said. "I swear, when those guys were here last year, my feet hardly touched the floor for about four days straight."

Prostitutes have long known that the average dentist, while earning almost $60,000 per year, is not generally respected by the public at large. Neither an admired craftsman nor a full-fledged member of the medical community, the dentist, more than anyone short of the chiropractor, uses conventions as an opportunity to purchase emotional gratification in the form of sex.

Prostitution clients Bill Kreutz and Gary Janush pose for a photo during last year's New Jersey Dental Association convention.

If previous years' figures hold true to form, Las Vegas prostitutes can expect to serve an average of 15 dentists per day during the four-day convention. And while some dentists may request special treatment–such as bondage, menage a trois, or unusually young girls–sex-trade insiders say a majority of services rendered will likely consist of half-hour sessions of conventional, one-on-one, missionary-position intercourse.

"It's strange, really," said Cherry Caldwell, who will be working her seventh NJDA convention. "Most guys want something a little kinky when they come to Vegas–something they can't get from their wives or girlfriends. But not the dentists. It's almost as if it's enough for them just to have sex with a girl."

"All in all, the dentists tend to be a pretty conservative bunch," prostitute Sapphire Jones said. "A lot of them do like to talk dirty, though. They'll say stuff like, 'I'm gonna drill a few holes,' or 'This won't hurt a bit, baby.' And when you suck them off and they come, they love to tell you to spit."

"They really respond to Las Vegas' unique energy," said MGM Grand hospitality director Patrick Worthington. "There's just something about this town's $3 all-you-can-eat prime-rib specials, cheap drinks, and easy, 24-hour access to a wide variety of prostitutes that just says 'dentist.'"

The NJDA dentists agreed. "Look out, Vegas," said convention organizer and Mahwah, NJ, orthodontist Harold Stemmer. "The dentists are coming to town to fill a few cavities, if you know what I mean, and there are some lucky girls out there who are going to be a few dollars richer if they play their cards right."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close