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Local Puppet Ignores Repeated Audience Dragon Warnings:

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

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FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

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5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State

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Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

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Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

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34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

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You To Still Die One Day

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Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

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Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
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Local Puppet Ignores Repeated Audience Dragon Warnings:

SEYMOUR, IN—Despite loud and repeated audience warnings, an area puppet was attacked by a dragon during a performance of The Silver Bananas in the children's section of the Seymour Public Library Sunday.

Prince Bumbo The Monkey (right), moments before Sunday's near-fatal dragon attack.

The puppet, Prince Bumbo The Monkey, is in serious but stable condition with extensive cloth injuries.

According to police, audience members warned Prince Bumbo "at least a half dozen times" that Brimstone, a Seymour-area dragon whose magic silver bananas Bumbo had just stolen, was behind him. Each time, however, Bumbo refused to heed the warnings, boasting that Brimstone would never dare to attack him.

As Brimstone neared Prince Bumbo, the monkey stopped in mid-sentence and looked around as though he heard something, but quickly returned to boasting about the banana theft, which only agitated the audience further.

As the dragon opened his jaws, Prince Bumbo finally appeared to hear the warnings. "What? You say there's a big mean dragon behind me? Oh, come on, I don't believe you," he said.

"We insisted it was true," said audience member and mother of three Sherri Pryce, "so Prince Bumbo finally turned around to look, but Brimstone then shifted to the other side so that the puppet could not see him. We then told Prince Bumbo to look in the other direction, but when he did Brimstone only returned to his original position behind Prince Bumbo."

The monkey then accused the audience of "just being jealous," and returned to inspecting his stolen silver bananas. It was then that the dragon struck, severely shaking Prince Bumbo in his felt-lined jaws and forcing the monkey to return the treasure.

According to psychologist Dr. Gary Wisniewski (above), puppet violence is caused by feelings of "helplessness, anger and frustration."

Seymour police chief Ron Byrne said the attack could easily have been avoided. "When I come to schools to talk to kids about the importance of dragon safety, one of the first things I tell them is, always be sure to turn around completely if you think a dragon is stalking you," said Byrne, who happened to attend Sunday's show with his three-year-old son. "This monkey did not do so, and now he's paying for it."

According to leading puppet psychologist Dr. Gary Wisniewski, violence has grown increasingly common in the puppet world. "Puppets have very limited free will," said Wisniewski, whose clients include such celebrity puppets as Howdy Doody and X the Owl. "They are controlled by strings or by a human hand, and are continually forced to mouth the words of others. In addition, their environment is limited to the small, cramped puppet-theater stage. As a result, many puppets develop deep feelings of helplessness, anger and frustration, feelings that can very easily lead to violence."

Seymour Public Library officials offer a more direct explanation for the latest case of puppet-on-puppet violence.

"It's unfortunate that Prince Bumbo didn't pay attention to the audience and was attacked by the dragon," assistant library director Patti Colby said. "But if he hadn't been such a greedy, stubborn little monkey who didn't want to share, it would never have happened."

Nevertheless, library officials have ordered beefed-up security for next week's performance of Mr. Bear, Queen Bee And The Stolen Honey.

"That show could be serious trouble," said John Reinholt, head of security for the library. "A lot of the puppets want to get their hands on that honey."

Reinholt said the library is still investigating a June 25 stick-beating incident involving local puppets Punch and Judy, and no arrests have been made in connection with the gruesome boiling of a wolf last May.

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