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Local Raccoons Once Again Take The Fall For Area Man

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Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Local Raccoons Once Again Take The Fall For Area Man

The "pesky animals" were roundly condemned by neighbors for O'Halloran's most recent parking mishap.
The "pesky animals" were roundly condemned by neighbors for O'Halloran's most recent parking mishap.

SOUTH NATICK, MA—For the third time in as many weeks, South Natick's local raccoon population took the blame Monday for the actions of 37-year-old sales manager Louis O'Halloran.

"Goddamn raccoons," said neighbor Jim Tunney, 50, as he cleaned up the debris scattered across his yard the morning after O'Halloran accidentally sideswiped his garbage bins while trying to change radio stations in the car. "I had to buy these plastic cans because they wrecked my good aluminum ones last month. This is really starting to get out of hand."

The upending of Tunney's trash receptacles is only the most recent example of raccoons being held responsible for property damage actually caused by O'Halloran. This month alone the nocturnal creatures have been faulted for a hole O'Halloran's wife discovered in the wall of their garage—the result of a clumsily handled cinder block—and next-door neighbor Thomas Fallon's felled downspout, which was in fact brought down by O'Halloran's basketball after a poorly aimed jumpshot.

These incidents do not include the toppling of 64-year-old Linda Dagan's birdfeeder, which varying reports have blamed on red squirrels and teenagers.

"Those raccoons are smart little buggers, I'll give them that," said Pete Ulster, 46, whose home O'Halloran house-sat last August while Ulster was on vacation. "I still can't figure out how they got into my shed and knocked over all those paint cans. It took me a whole weekend just to clean it up."

"And they sure did a number on my flower pots," added Ulster, referring to the mess O'Halloran made as he fled in panic from the shed. "If I ever get my hands on those critters, I'll choke the life out of them."

Since adolescence, the lumbering and ungainly O'Halloran has been an unacknowledged source of calamity wherever he has lived, his awkward gaffes resulting in an unknown number of false accusations made against pets, the weather, and God.

Although he continues to wreak havoc, the 37-year-old remains free from suspicion, and has done little to assuage the anger those on his block feel toward the local raccoon population. He has only come close to defending the innocent mammals once, when a neighbor mentioned last month that she believed raccoons had destroyed her flower garden, and O'Halloran nervously replied, "Or dogs. Could've been dogs."

Though raccoons often become a nuisance in places where their habitat intersects with that of humans, Kate Yewell of the Massachusetts Division of Fisheries and Wildlife said the amount of destruction attributed to the species in O'Halloran's neighborhood was not realistic.

"The wild animal population in the area is relatively sparse, and if anything, the few raccoons there are beneficial to the local ecosystem," Yewell said. "Also, raccoons have rarely been known to knock down power lines with a poorly maneuvered backhoe, thereby causing a blackout that lasts for days."

Still, area residents continue to pin such catastrophes on the small mammals, with some even attempting to kill the suspected offenders.

"Good luck trying to catch those crafty bastards," said Orin Ditmus, whose prized cherry trees have been ravaged by O'Halloran for the past two summers. "I started putting traps out last June, but the only thing I ever caught was poor Louis [O'Halloran] from down the block."

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