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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Local Restaurant Makes Foolhardy Attempt At Second Location

CINCINNATI—Stunning observers with the reckless and arrogant overextension of their modest business, local restaurant Angelo’s Pizzeria was making a foolhardy attempt at a second location, sources reported Monday. “This shocking hubris will be their undoing,” said one source with knowledge of the situation, dumbfounded that a casual dining establishment of such humble seating capacity would so naively divide what limited resources it had. “Does this restaurant, with its small, uninspired menu, truly believe this scheme can succeed? That the neighborhood of Hyde Park, already blessed with an abundance of pizza options, cries out for yet more of that same fare? No, only vanity, only rank greed, can explain an expansion this ruinous, and the calamity that awaits will be richly earned.” At press time, Angelo’s Pizzeria, unhindered by any notion of common sense or decency, announced they would now be open for brunch at both locations.

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