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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Local Senior Impressed With Restaurant Cheesecake

HOBOKEN, NJ—According to reports, area senior Herbert Bloch, 69, was "impressed" with the slice of strawberry cheesecake served to him at the Denny's restaurant on Sand Hill Road Monday. "The cheesecake was very flavorful and moist," Bloch was reported to have told the server. He also was rumored to have praised the flaky crust and said that the cake had "just the right amount of whipped cream." Sources close to Bloch's server indicated that prior to his ordering of the cheesecake, Bloch consumed a Philadelphia cheese-steak sandwich. It was believed that he found it to be delicious, as well. Sources inside Denny's believe that Bloch, who dined alone, commented on the cheesecake in a sad attempt to engage another human being in conversation. Bloch is expected to return to Denny's in the future to order more cheesecake.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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