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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Local Snowplow Guy Ruins Winter Olympics

VANCOUVER—The 2010 Winter Olympics were postponed indefinitely Friday morning after snowplow operator Dominic Wondolowski arrived on the scene Thursday night, a snowplow affixed to his 1994 Ford F-150, and proceeded to clear out nearly all of the snow from every Olympic venue. "Can't believe V-DOT isn't on this yet," said Wondolowski, referring to the Vancouver Department of Transportation as he plowed Whistler Olympic Park's cross-country skiing course and spread road salt along the halfpipe. "I think I pretty much got all of it, including the driveways and the slick stretch on that mountain with all the flags sticking out of it. Gotta make sure kids can get to school safe in the morning." The 63-year-old Wondolowski reportedly does not get paid for his services.

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