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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Local Snowplow Guy Ruins Winter Olympics

VANCOUVER—The 2010 Winter Olympics were postponed indefinitely Friday morning after snowplow operator Dominic Wondolowski arrived on the scene Thursday night, a snowplow affixed to his 1994 Ford F-150, and proceeded to clear out nearly all of the snow from every Olympic venue. "Can't believe V-DOT isn't on this yet," said Wondolowski, referring to the Vancouver Department of Transportation as he plowed Whistler Olympic Park's cross-country skiing course and spread road salt along the halfpipe. "I think I pretty much got all of it, including the driveways and the slick stretch on that mountain with all the flags sticking out of it. Gotta make sure kids can get to school safe in the morning." The 63-year-old Wondolowski reportedly does not get paid for his services.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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