adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Local Teen Walks In On Family Masturbating

SALEM, OR—In a humiliating incident that all parties involved said they would “never get over,” Peter Miklewski, 15, confirmed he came home from school early Monday and accidentally walked in on seven members of his family masturbating in the living room. “Aaagh! Get out of here, goddammit!” shouted Peter’s parents, David and Jessica; his sister, Virginia; his older brother, Caleb; and his grandmother Emily, while his younger brother, Mark, and his aunt Fay reportedly scrambled to turn off the pornographic video they had been watching. “Why the hell don’t you knock?” Sources said that after leaving the room, Peter sighed, concluded his family members were simply at those ages, and decided never to discuss the incident with them.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close