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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Local Teen Walks In On Family Masturbating

SALEM, OR—In a humiliating incident that all parties involved said they would “never get over,” Peter Miklewski, 15, confirmed he came home from school early Monday and accidentally walked in on seven members of his family masturbating in the living room. “Aaagh! Get out of here, goddammit!” shouted Peter’s parents, David and Jessica; his sister, Virginia; his older brother, Caleb; and his grandmother Emily, while his younger brother, Mark, and his aunt Fay reportedly scrambled to turn off the pornographic video they had been watching. “Why the hell don’t you knock?” Sources said that after leaving the room, Peter sighed, concluded his family members were simply at those ages, and decided never to discuss the incident with them.

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