adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Local Teen Would Choose Gun With Night Vision Laser Scope If He Joined Army

ALLENTOWN, PA—Explaining how it would allow him to hunt terrorists from long distances in a variety of combat environments, local teen Alex Gibson informed reporters Monday that he would likely choose a gun with a night vision laser scope if he enlisted in the United States Army. “I used to think I’d want dual Uzis, but now I’m pretty sure I’d put that scope on an armor-piercing automatic rifle,” said the 15-year-old, adding that he would prefer his weapon also be fitted with a silencer and painted matte black to maximize his stealth during the special ops raids he elected to join. “It’s a good weapon for when I’m the demolition guy, but just in case I needed to snipe someone, I’d also want a backup .50-cal gun with an extra-long zoom lens. And obviously I thought about having a grenade launcher too, except in close quarters combat I’d much rather have a Glock with a customized grip.” Gibson added that he would also probably go through helicopter pilot training just in case he ever wants to fly an Apache during a mission.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close