Local Trailer Park Shatters No Stereotypes

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Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
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Local Trailer Park Shatters No Stereotypes

TULSA, OK—Over the course of its 24-year history, Kilty's Kourt, a Tulsa-area trailer park, has shattered no stereotypes, causing no one to rethink any preconceptions about its coarse, poorly educated residents.

The non-stereotype-defying Kilty's Kourt trailer park in Tulsa, OK.

"Very often, one forms a set of preconceived notions about a type of person based on generalizations, but then a closer examination of the individuals within the situation allows one to look beyond these stereotypes," said University of Oklahoma sociologist Dr. Terry Atkins, who recently completed an in-depth three-year study of the trailer park. "Such is not the case here, though: Kilty's Kourt is pretty much a depressing, disgusting place filled with total losers."

Atkins had intended the study to challenge unfair, negative images of mobile-home dwellers by collecting statistical data that contradicts commonly held misconceptions. The professor's findings, however, only affirmed popular conceptions, with unemployment, sexual promiscuity and lack of education the norm among residents.

Affirming widely held assumptions about trailer parks, Kilty's Kourt is little more than a muddy field filled with mobile homes in various states of disrepair. The blighted park is littered with rusted cars up on blocks, half-attached screen doors, makeshift clotheslines with laundry hanging untouched for weeks, and toppled TV antennas.

Nor do the park's inhabitants—obese women who take notice of their filthy, pantsless children only long enough to scream at them; skinny, shirtless men who stink of McCormick vodka most of the day; a cadre of Ku Klux Klan sympathizers; and a sprinkling of clinically insane veterans—shatter any myths.

"Based on all the stories I'd heard about trailer-park types, I expected to see the lowest of the low, people I wouldn't even want to look at, much less talk to," Atkins said. "I pretty much hit the nail right on the head."

Atkins said he had also hoped that the study would give him a greater understanding of those who occupy a lower socioeconomic strata than himself, and vice-versa.

"This project, in theory, afforded an upper-middle-class academic like myself the opportunity to build bridges with those of a culturally dissimilar background, enabling both me and them to gain a greater understanding and appreciation of the other's unique perspectives and experiences," he said. "Nope. Didn't happen. I did, however, have a lot of empty bottles thrown at me through missing windows."

On his final day at Kilty's Kourt, Atkins was called "a fucking dead man" by one barefoot resident, threatened with a swinging hair dryer, and warned that he had "better stay away from White Jimmy's bitch."

"They live like pigs," Atkins said. "Foul-mouthed, degenerate pigs."

Members of the Tulsa Police Department may know Kilty's Kourt best of all, as they are called to the four-block area 20 to 30 times a week.

"Just because a person isn't made of money doesn't mean they can't live their life with self-respect, gaining satisfaction and joy from simple things like the smile on a child's face, the beauty of a song, or the love of neighbors and friends," Tulsa police officer Joseph Lindgren said. "Unfortunately, no one like that lives in this place."

"I once heard this joke about a white-trash mother, something about her four-year-old still breast-feeding," Lindgren continued. "I thought, 'That so-called 'humor' is just an offensive, discriminatory stereotype.' That was before I met Rhonda in 22."

The most common charges, which Lindgren called "more or less right in line with what everyone would expect from people in a place like this," are drunken and disorderly conduct, wife battery, drug possession, illegal possession of a firearm and child neglect.

"Just last night, the woman in 32 hit the guy in 18 over the head with a shovel and knocked him clean out," Lindgren said. "We had to haul both of them in."

"What a shithole," he added.