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Local Trailer Park Shatters No Stereotypes

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.
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Local Trailer Park Shatters No Stereotypes

TULSA, OK—Over the course of its 24-year history, Kilty's Kourt, a Tulsa-area trailer park, has shattered no stereotypes, causing no one to rethink any preconceptions about its coarse, poorly educated residents.

The non-stereotype-defying Kilty's Kourt trailer park in Tulsa, OK.

"Very often, one forms a set of preconceived notions about a type of person based on generalizations, but then a closer examination of the individuals within the situation allows one to look beyond these stereotypes," said University of Oklahoma sociologist Dr. Terry Atkins, who recently completed an in-depth three-year study of the trailer park. "Such is not the case here, though: Kilty's Kourt is pretty much a depressing, disgusting place filled with total losers."

Atkins had intended the study to challenge unfair, negative images of mobile-home dwellers by collecting statistical data that contradicts commonly held misconceptions. The professor's findings, however, only affirmed popular conceptions, with unemployment, sexual promiscuity and lack of education the norm among residents.

Affirming widely held assumptions about trailer parks, Kilty's Kourt is little more than a muddy field filled with mobile homes in various states of disrepair. The blighted park is littered with rusted cars up on blocks, half-attached screen doors, makeshift clotheslines with laundry hanging untouched for weeks, and toppled TV antennas.

Nor do the park's inhabitants—obese women who take notice of their filthy, pantsless children only long enough to scream at them; skinny, shirtless men who stink of McCormick vodka most of the day; a cadre of Ku Klux Klan sympathizers; and a sprinkling of clinically insane veterans—shatter any myths.

"Based on all the stories I'd heard about trailer-park types, I expected to see the lowest of the low, people I wouldn't even want to look at, much less talk to," Atkins said. "I pretty much hit the nail right on the head."

Atkins said he had also hoped that the study would give him a greater understanding of those who occupy a lower socioeconomic strata than himself, and vice-versa.

"This project, in theory, afforded an upper-middle-class academic like myself the opportunity to build bridges with those of a culturally dissimilar background, enabling both me and them to gain a greater understanding and appreciation of the other's unique perspectives and experiences," he said. "Nope. Didn't happen. I did, however, have a lot of empty bottles thrown at me through missing windows."

On his final day at Kilty's Kourt, Atkins was called "a fucking dead man" by one barefoot resident, threatened with a swinging hair dryer, and warned that he had "better stay away from White Jimmy's bitch."

"They live like pigs," Atkins said. "Foul-mouthed, degenerate pigs."

Members of the Tulsa Police Department may know Kilty's Kourt best of all, as they are called to the four-block area 20 to 30 times a week.

"Just because a person isn't made of money doesn't mean they can't live their life with self-respect, gaining satisfaction and joy from simple things like the smile on a child's face, the beauty of a song, or the love of neighbors and friends," Tulsa police officer Joseph Lindgren said. "Unfortunately, no one like that lives in this place."

"I once heard this joke about a white-trash mother, something about her four-year-old still breast-feeding," Lindgren continued. "I thought, 'That so-called 'humor' is just an offensive, discriminatory stereotype.' That was before I met Rhonda in 22."

The most common charges, which Lindgren called "more or less right in line with what everyone would expect from people in a place like this," are drunken and disorderly conduct, wife battery, drug possession, illegal possession of a firearm and child neglect.

"Just last night, the woman in 32 hit the guy in 18 over the head with a shovel and knocked him clean out," Lindgren said. "We had to haul both of them in."

"What a shithole," he added.

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