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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

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Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

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CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

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Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

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Local Water Tower Celebrates 50th Year As Repository Of Information On Who Is A Slut

CONCORDIA, MO—Residents marked the 50th anniversary of the Concordia water tower Tuesday, honoring a structure that for generations has been the community's most comprehensive source of information on who is a slut.

Historians say information on whether or not Whitney Olsen got the whole baseball team off would otherwise have been lost to time.

According to University of Missouri historian Elliot Torcello, the remarkably well- preserved tower is recognized throughout the region as an indispensable archive detailing which women in the area are promiscuous, as well as whether or not they have crabs.

"Since June 22, 1960, when the words 'Jill Hooper is a slut' first appeared on one of its support girders, the tower has been a place for citizens to go and find out who is really easy, or perhaps to contribute their own statement about who is giving it up all over town," Torcello said. "This unique public forum has immortalized the names of all those who demonstrated in one way or another that they were a slut, a whore, or—after 1984—a skank."

"One need only gaze upon the dozens of testimonials from the early 1970s on the size of Kelly Compitello's bush to realize what a truly remarkable record it is," Torcello added.

The water tower, which services all of Lafayette County Public Utility District No. 3, is believed to offer the most extensive registry of Concordia's sluts, though local experts note that similar data can also be found on the big rock out by the train tracks and in the alleyway behind Champ's Sports Bar.

While the 160-foot-tall structure catalogs a variety of information—including a definitive index of who is a fag or a queer and who has a limp dick—Torcello contends that it is the half-century-old compendium of Concordia's sluts and what they are willing to do with Principal Delahunt that offers the richest portrait of the town's history.

"Take, for example, a 1964 message near the reservoir ladder, where in large red letters we can read that Cindy Davis takes it in the ass all night long," Torcello said. "Now, walk around to the south leg and you'll see words spray-painted some 23 years later that indicate her daughter, Becky Davis, takes it in the ass like a pro. That kind of insight into familial legacy is simply unprecedented."

Continued Torcello, "Who knows what future generations may one day learn about Becky's own daughter, Tammy, and whether she, too, likes it in the ass?"

Previous scholars have noted the hierarchy represented on the water tower: The biggest sluts occupy the highest reaches of the edifice, their status announced in the largest, most brightly colored letters. Magnificently crowning the reservoir is a 3-foot-high neon-green message, dating from 1992 and easily visible from the highway, that heralds Tina Richmond's loose pussy.

Though the veracity of the data appearing on structure has occasionally been called into question, officials maintained that the information is regularly updated to reflect the latest reports of who sucks dick, and who sucks even more dick.

"It's a community bulletin board open to anyone," said Rachel Sorenson, president of the Concordia Historical Society. "Granted, there are a few outdated phone numbers on there, but when there's a mistake, someone will invariably cross out the wrong name and replace it with the right one."

"In fact, the only completely inaccurate information I'm aware of is a message dating back to 1978 stating that 'Rachel Sorenson sucks cock behind the DQ,'" Sorenson added.

Still, a number of Concordians resent the water tower's renown as a slut-identification tool, arguing that the public utility serves other, more important purposes than criticizing Jillian Knoll's titties.

"They'll go on and on about who gave hand jobs to the entire state championship wrestling team in 1987, but they're frightfully ignorant of its more subtle insights," local resident Arthur Turner said. "Did you know that for 42 years, this tower has provided amazingly consistent affirmations of Zeppelin's ruling status? And it also features the region's finest collection of crudely drawn phalluses, both erect and flaccid—but no one is even aware of these things."

Added Turner: "The underpass on Walker Street is right. This town is retarded."

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