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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Local Woman Devotes Life To Doing God's Busy Work

LORETTO, MN—Although you won't see her speaking from the pulpit or spreading God's word to the masses, St. Augustine Catholic Church parishioner Betty Salas, 46, sacrifices both her time and energy to complete the many mundane tasks the Lord has asked her to take off His plate.

Betty Salas lets the good Lord work through her to organize the church library.

"At a very young age, I felt the call to do God's busy work," said Salas, spiritually fulfilled from a long afternoon spent photocopying hymn lyrics for Sunday's mass and changing the bulletin board's decorative seasonal border. "I am just a vessel through which He cleans the church Tupperware."

When she was only 8 years old, Salas said she heard the voice of God call out to her from on high, rattling off a few things He needed done before the Sabbath. Salas took up her heavenly Father's holy to-do list as her own personal calling, devoting her life to refilling the holy-water containers and picking up the priests' vestments from the dry cleaners.

After reaching her 30s, Salas became more dedicated to her spiritual puttering, and began not only replacing the prayer candles, but also ordering the new prayer candles, and emptying and cleaning the prayer candle donation box.

"The Lord hath spoken to me, and He hath said, 'The lightbulb in the rectory needs changing,'" Salas said.

Today, the veteran church bulletin copyeditor continues to be a model of religious commitment as she heeds the call of her swamped Savior.

"The Lord is my shepherd, and I will not question His infinite wisdom or bother Him with the details of who's bringing what to the Palm Sunday spaghetti supper," Salas said. "He has brought me forth from the darkness to the promise of eternal life, and the least I can do is refill the offering envelopes."

"And DustBuster the pews, and sharpen the tiny pencils we hand out during the annual Bishop's Appeal, and make sure all the youth group permission slips are turned in on time," Salas added. "Phew! Lord, give me the strength to do thy tedious errands!"

But even after devoting nearly four decades of her life to lightening the Almighty's load, Salas shows no signs of slowing down.

"God has a divine plan for all of us," said Salas, carefully straightening an errant letter "E" on the roadside sign announcing the day's services. "And besides, if I don't polish the chalices, who will? Ramona's sure as shit not going to."

The Almighty God, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, was unavailable for comment, as he was reportedly "up to [His] eyeballs" in drowning Bangladeshis.

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