adBlockCheck

Local Woman Devotes Life To Doing God's Busy Work

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Local Woman Devotes Life To Doing God's Busy Work

LORETTO, MN—Although you won't see her speaking from the pulpit or spreading God's word to the masses, St. Augustine Catholic Church parishioner Betty Salas, 46, sacrifices both her time and energy to complete the many mundane tasks the Lord has asked her to take off His plate.

Betty Salas lets the good Lord work through her to organize the church library.

"At a very young age, I felt the call to do God's busy work," said Salas, spiritually fulfilled from a long afternoon spent photocopying hymn lyrics for Sunday's mass and changing the bulletin board's decorative seasonal border. "I am just a vessel through which He cleans the church Tupperware."

When she was only 8 years old, Salas said she heard the voice of God call out to her from on high, rattling off a few things He needed done before the Sabbath. Salas took up her heavenly Father's holy to-do list as her own personal calling, devoting her life to refilling the holy-water containers and picking up the priests' vestments from the dry cleaners.

After reaching her 30s, Salas became more dedicated to her spiritual puttering, and began not only replacing the prayer candles, but also ordering the new prayer candles, and emptying and cleaning the prayer candle donation box.

"The Lord hath spoken to me, and He hath said, 'The lightbulb in the rectory needs changing,'" Salas said.

Today, the veteran church bulletin copyeditor continues to be a model of religious commitment as she heeds the call of her swamped Savior.

"The Lord is my shepherd, and I will not question His infinite wisdom or bother Him with the details of who's bringing what to the Palm Sunday spaghetti supper," Salas said. "He has brought me forth from the darkness to the promise of eternal life, and the least I can do is refill the offering envelopes."

"And DustBuster the pews, and sharpen the tiny pencils we hand out during the annual Bishop's Appeal, and make sure all the youth group permission slips are turned in on time," Salas added. "Phew! Lord, give me the strength to do thy tedious errands!"

But even after devoting nearly four decades of her life to lightening the Almighty's load, Salas shows no signs of slowing down.

"God has a divine plan for all of us," said Salas, carefully straightening an errant letter "E" on the roadside sign announcing the day's services. "And besides, if I don't polish the chalices, who will? Ramona's sure as shit not going to."

The Almighty God, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, was unavailable for comment, as he was reportedly "up to [His] eyeballs" in drowning Bangladeshis.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close