adBlockCheck

Local Woman Devotes Life To Doing God's Busy Work

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Local Woman Devotes Life To Doing God's Busy Work

LORETTO, MN—Although you won't see her speaking from the pulpit or spreading God's word to the masses, St. Augustine Catholic Church parishioner Betty Salas, 46, sacrifices both her time and energy to complete the many mundane tasks the Lord has asked her to take off His plate.

Betty Salas lets the good Lord work through her to organize the church library.

"At a very young age, I felt the call to do God's busy work," said Salas, spiritually fulfilled from a long afternoon spent photocopying hymn lyrics for Sunday's mass and changing the bulletin board's decorative seasonal border. "I am just a vessel through which He cleans the church Tupperware."

When she was only 8 years old, Salas said she heard the voice of God call out to her from on high, rattling off a few things He needed done before the Sabbath. Salas took up her heavenly Father's holy to-do list as her own personal calling, devoting her life to refilling the holy-water containers and picking up the priests' vestments from the dry cleaners.

After reaching her 30s, Salas became more dedicated to her spiritual puttering, and began not only replacing the prayer candles, but also ordering the new prayer candles, and emptying and cleaning the prayer candle donation box.

"The Lord hath spoken to me, and He hath said, 'The lightbulb in the rectory needs changing,'" Salas said.

Today, the veteran church bulletin copyeditor continues to be a model of religious commitment as she heeds the call of her swamped Savior.

"The Lord is my shepherd, and I will not question His infinite wisdom or bother Him with the details of who's bringing what to the Palm Sunday spaghetti supper," Salas said. "He has brought me forth from the darkness to the promise of eternal life, and the least I can do is refill the offering envelopes."

"And DustBuster the pews, and sharpen the tiny pencils we hand out during the annual Bishop's Appeal, and make sure all the youth group permission slips are turned in on time," Salas added. "Phew! Lord, give me the strength to do thy tedious errands!"

But even after devoting nearly four decades of her life to lightening the Almighty's load, Salas shows no signs of slowing down.

"God has a divine plan for all of us," said Salas, carefully straightening an errant letter "E" on the roadside sign announcing the day's services. "And besides, if I don't polish the chalices, who will? Ramona's sure as shit not going to."

The Almighty God, the Maker of Heaven and Earth, was unavailable for comment, as he was reportedly "up to [His] eyeballs" in drowning Bangladeshis.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close