Local Woman's Life Looks Bearable In Scrapbook

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Local Woman's Life Looks Bearable In Scrapbook

OCCOQUAN, VA—Jane Hemmer's family scrapbook, prominently displayed on her coffee table at all times, gives the impression that her life is not only bearable, but even pleasant, sources not particularly close to the 58-year-old homemaker said Monday.

Hemmer pages through her scrapbook.

"My goodness, what a lovely family!" new neighbor Fern Kopein said as she flipped past an 8-year-old family portrait, the last to include both Hemmer's son Alex and her estranged daughter Diane. "You and [husband] Bruce certainly have done a wonderful job raising your children."

The scrapbook, a neatly organized digest of Hemmer's 35 years as a wife and mother, contains photos and keepsakes that project an image of a functional family bound by unconditional love and total fulfillment. By layering carefully chosen photos with brightly colored paper, elaborately patterned borders, and whimsical stickers, Hemmer has successfully concealed a lifetime of anguish, scorn, and contempt.

One page, labeled "Vacation Time" in glitter-penned letters, features snippets of old road maps, stop-sign stickers, and the few happy photos taken during camping trips spent in grim silence and seaside vacations filled with ugly marital spats.

A photo taken in 1998 shows Hemmer with her son at a San Diego marina. Alex appears healthy and robust, and his mother beams under a large straw hat. However, the photo was taken mere hours before Hemmer's husband denied Alex a $10,000 loan to cover gambling debts.

"Look at that breathtaking sunset!" Kopein said. "Alex restores old boats for a living, doesn't he? How interesting!"

Although Alex was fired from the job in July 2001, Hemmer did not correct her neighbor.

When Kopein paused to admire photos from the Hemmers' 30th-anniversary party, Hemmer neglected to acknowledge that Diane was not in any of the photos because she was serving three months in jail for writing bad checks.

"Oooh, pretty tree!" Kopein said, squinting at a 1985 Christmas Polaroid snapshot bordered with snippets of red and green ribbon.

The photo depicts a traditional holiday gathering of a functional family. However, on the evening in question, a teenage Alex got into a shoving match with his father, who knocked over the Christmas tree in the scuffle. The tree upset a nearby candle display, which in turn ignited an heirloom quilt sewn by Hemmer's grandmother.

Photos in the scrapbook convey numerous other half-truths, among them that Hemmer was warmly accepted by her coworkers at a Mutual Dental holiday party, that her own mother is physically affectionate, and that Hemmer's pride in Diane's 1982 spelling-bee victory was not clouded by the discovery of her husband's homosexual dalliances.

A two-page collage of photos and dog-bone stickers suggests that Wispy, the family's terrier-beagle mix, was a beloved member of the family. In fact, his death was the direct result of a misunderstanding over whether Hemmer or her husband was responsible for dropping him off at the kennel before leaving for the two-week cruise pictured on the previous page.

Even Hemmer's late father—a stern, Norwegian-born disciplinarian unanimously disliked by his children—is represented in the scrapbook.

"Who is that little dear man in the rocking chair?" Kopein asked, pointing to the carefully mounted black-and-white portrait. "Such kind eyes he has. There must be so many fond memories in this scrapbook, I'm sure."

The last photo in the scrapbook shows Diane with her husband and their 2-year-old daughter. The studio portrait was particularly difficult to come by, as Diane has not spoken to either of her parents for four years. Hemmer obtained the photos from her daughter's mother-in-law, Candace Minsky, whom she ran into at the grocery store. Rather than reveal the rift between herself and her daughter, Hemmer explained that she'd lost all her photos to a roof leak.

"I felt bad for Jane," Minsky said. "Can you imagine losing precious photos like that? So I sent her some of my extra 4"x6" photos of Diane and the family."

With the scrapbook full, Hemmer said she plans to take advantage of new digital-photography technologies.

"I got a digital camera this fall, and there's a lot of wonderful shots I took at Thanksgiving of Alex and his new girlfriend, Marissa," Hemmer said. "Of course, when I put the photos on the computer, I'll delete the ones I took after Marissa and Bruce got into that little disagreement about abortion."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close