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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Local Yak Makes Plea For Greater Understanding Between the Sexes

ULAAN BAATAR, MONGOLIA—Fed up with the way men and women "sabotage perfectly good relationships by failing to communicate," a local yak made a public plea Tuesday for greater understanding between the sexes.

A local yak says that men and women often speak entirely different languages.

"Men and women need to work at bridging the gap between them," said the yak, speaking from a flooded rice plain near Ulaan Baatar. "Most people are very good at hearing, but lousy at listening."

"I hear people say all the time, 'I'm giving everything to this relationship, but I'm getting nothing back,'" said the yak, slathering himself in mud to cool off from the midday sun. "When I hear that, I think to myself, 'Well, then, don't keep giving!' Would you buy a lottery ticket if there were no drawing? Well, that's exactly what so many people are doing."

Though the yak believes both men and women need to improve their relationship skills, he said women are often all too tolerant of men who are bad for them. "A guy could be a controlling, insensitive, selfish, two-timing jerk, but a lot of women will still give him a second, third and fourth chance," the yak said. "Well, when Prince Charming keeps turning into a toad, kiss him goodbye. Recycling is for garbage."

The yak is currently working on the follow-up to his 1995 best-seller, You Just Don't Understand! 15 Stupid Things Men and Women Do To Ruin Perfectly Good Relationships.

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