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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Local Yak Makes Plea For Greater Understanding Between the Sexes

ULAAN BAATAR, MONGOLIA—Fed up with the way men and women "sabotage perfectly good relationships by failing to communicate," a local yak made a public plea Tuesday for greater understanding between the sexes.

A local yak says that men and women often speak entirely different languages.

"Men and women need to work at bridging the gap between them," said the yak, speaking from a flooded rice plain near Ulaan Baatar. "Most people are very good at hearing, but lousy at listening."

"I hear people say all the time, 'I'm giving everything to this relationship, but I'm getting nothing back,'" said the yak, slathering himself in mud to cool off from the midday sun. "When I hear that, I think to myself, 'Well, then, don't keep giving!' Would you buy a lottery ticket if there were no drawing? Well, that's exactly what so many people are doing."

Though the yak believes both men and women need to improve their relationship skills, he said women are often all too tolerant of men who are bad for them. "A guy could be a controlling, insensitive, selfish, two-timing jerk, but a lot of women will still give him a second, third and fourth chance," the yak said. "Well, when Prince Charming keeps turning into a toad, kiss him goodbye. Recycling is for garbage."

The yak is currently working on the follow-up to his 1995 best-seller, You Just Don't Understand! 15 Stupid Things Men and Women Do To Ruin Perfectly Good Relationships.

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