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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Local Yak Makes Plea For Greater Understanding Between the Sexes

ULAAN BAATAR, MONGOLIA—Fed up with the way men and women "sabotage perfectly good relationships by failing to communicate," a local yak made a public plea Tuesday for greater understanding between the sexes.

A local yak says that men and women often speak entirely different languages.

"Men and women need to work at bridging the gap between them," said the yak, speaking from a flooded rice plain near Ulaan Baatar. "Most people are very good at hearing, but lousy at listening."

"I hear people say all the time, 'I'm giving everything to this relationship, but I'm getting nothing back,'" said the yak, slathering himself in mud to cool off from the midday sun. "When I hear that, I think to myself, 'Well, then, don't keep giving!' Would you buy a lottery ticket if there were no drawing? Well, that's exactly what so many people are doing."

Though the yak believes both men and women need to improve their relationship skills, he said women are often all too tolerant of men who are bad for them. "A guy could be a controlling, insensitive, selfish, two-timing jerk, but a lot of women will still give him a second, third and fourth chance," the yak said. "Well, when Prince Charming keeps turning into a toad, kiss him goodbye. Recycling is for garbage."

The yak is currently working on the follow-up to his 1995 best-seller, You Just Don't Understand! 15 Stupid Things Men and Women Do To Ruin Perfectly Good Relationships.

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