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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Location Of Newest Mass Shooting Revealed

It’s A Navy Yard, Authorities Confirm

WASHINGTON—After less than two months of waiting, the nation was informed this morning that the location of America’s latest mass shooting is a navy yard. “It’s a navy yard in Washington, D.C.,” a federal law enforcement official said during a press conference, adding that U.S. citizens should envision the typical scenes of chaos and bloodshed they’ve become familiar with, but this time imagine them happening in a navy yard. “I can only speculate, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the next mass shooting happens in an amusement park, or an Apple store, or even an apple orchard in Salem. Who the hell even knows anymore? Maybe it’ll be in a supermarket parking lot because we haven’t had one of those in a while. Either way, I’m sure the location of the next mass shooting will be revealed in due time. Thank you.” Though some Americans reportedly thought the latest mass shooting would end up being at a school or possibly a city park, many weren’t that surprised it was a navy yard, saying that “a navy yard seems about right this time around.”

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