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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Location Of Newest Mass Shooting Revealed

It’s A Navy Yard, Authorities Confirm

WASHINGTON—After less than two months of waiting, the nation was informed this morning that the location of America’s latest mass shooting is a navy yard. “It’s a navy yard in Washington, D.C.,” a federal law enforcement official said during a press conference, adding that U.S. citizens should envision the typical scenes of chaos and bloodshed they’ve become familiar with, but this time imagine them happening in a navy yard. “I can only speculate, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the next mass shooting happens in an amusement park, or an Apple store, or even an apple orchard in Salem. Who the hell even knows anymore? Maybe it’ll be in a supermarket parking lot because we haven’t had one of those in a while. Either way, I’m sure the location of the next mass shooting will be revealed in due time. Thank you.” Though some Americans reportedly thought the latest mass shooting would end up being at a school or possibly a city park, many weren’t that surprised it was a navy yard, saying that “a navy yard seems about right this time around.”

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