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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Location Of Newest Mass Shooting Revealed

It’s A Navy Yard, Authorities Confirm

WASHINGTON—After less than two months of waiting, the nation was informed this morning that the location of America’s latest mass shooting is a navy yard. “It’s a navy yard in Washington, D.C.,” a federal law enforcement official said during a press conference, adding that U.S. citizens should envision the typical scenes of chaos and bloodshed they’ve become familiar with, but this time imagine them happening in a navy yard. “I can only speculate, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the next mass shooting happens in an amusement park, or an Apple store, or even an apple orchard in Salem. Who the hell even knows anymore? Maybe it’ll be in a supermarket parking lot because we haven’t had one of those in a while. Either way, I’m sure the location of the next mass shooting will be revealed in due time. Thank you.” Though some Americans reportedly thought the latest mass shooting would end up being at a school or possibly a city park, many weren’t that surprised it was a navy yard, saying that “a navy yard seems about right this time around.”

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