adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Locker Room Reporter Still Hasn’t Gotten Used To Seeing Jerry Jones Naked

IRVING, TX—Despite having frequently visited NFL locker rooms for several years, Dallas Morning News sports reporter Adam Laverty confirmed Monday that he’s still not accustomed to the sight of Cowboys owner Jerry Jones walking around naked after every home game. “At the end of the day, it’s a locker room, so you definitely expect to see guys changing in there, but it still feels a little weird when Jerry comes out of the showers dripping wet and totally nude,” said Laverty, adding that it is not uncommon for the 71-year-old to playfully snap towels at Cowboys players in the middle of postgame interviews with reporters. “He’ll stand there toweling off for 20 minutes, and then he’ll do a few laps around the locker room with absolutely nothing on, talking to different players and giving his thoughts on the game. It’s very distracting.” Laverty confirmed the situation has become increasingly awkward since he noticed that the discolored mole on Jones’ scrotum has been growing larger every week.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close