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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Locker Room Reporter Still Hasn’t Gotten Used To Seeing Jerry Jones Naked

IRVING, TX—Despite having frequently visited NFL locker rooms for several years, Dallas Morning News sports reporter Adam Laverty confirmed Monday that he’s still not accustomed to the sight of Cowboys owner Jerry Jones walking around naked after every home game. “At the end of the day, it’s a locker room, so you definitely expect to see guys changing in there, but it still feels a little weird when Jerry comes out of the showers dripping wet and totally nude,” said Laverty, adding that it is not uncommon for the 71-year-old to playfully snap towels at Cowboys players in the middle of postgame interviews with reporters. “He’ll stand there toweling off for 20 minutes, and then he’ll do a few laps around the locker room with absolutely nothing on, talking to different players and giving his thoughts on the game. It’s very distracting.” Laverty confirmed the situation has become increasingly awkward since he noticed that the discolored mole on Jones’ scrotum has been growing larger every week.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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