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Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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Lockheed Martin Engineer Told To Make It Sear Faces Off Faster

BETHESDA, MD—While reviewing his work on a new project, officials at defense contractor Lockheed Martin told engineer Erik Whitaker that it was looking pretty good, but it should sear faces off more rapidly, sources confirmed Monday. “Right now, it can incinerate most facial features within seven or eight seconds, which is a great start, but we really need to get it to where it can completely eradicate an entire human face in three seconds,” said Whitaker’s project supervisor, adding that it should also be capable of “almost instantly” incinerating the eyes, noses, and lips of as many as 50 individuals in a single blast. “Ideally, we want it to immediately melt off all the skin from the crown of the head to the neck, liquefying the underlying musculature right down to the skull. Once that’s taken care of, all the vital organs and everything else will just fall off the skeleton into one big pile, no problem. So make it do that, okay? Thanks, Erik.” Whitaker’s boss added that the entire three-second process should transpire in half the time for organic targets weighing 80 pounds or less.

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