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President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Tide Debuts New Sour Apple Detergent Pods

CINCINNATI—Calling it the perfect choice for consumers looking to add some tartness to their laundry, Procter and Gamble on Tuesday unveiled a new sour apple Tide detergent pod.

The iPhone Turns 10

A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
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Lockheed Martin Engineer Told To Make It Sear Faces Off Faster

BETHESDA, MD—While reviewing his work on a new project, officials at defense contractor Lockheed Martin told engineer Erik Whitaker that it was looking pretty good, but it should sear faces off more rapidly, sources confirmed Monday. “Right now, it can incinerate most facial features within seven or eight seconds, which is a great start, but we really need to get it to where it can completely eradicate an entire human face in three seconds,” said Whitaker’s project supervisor, adding that it should also be capable of “almost instantly” incinerating the eyes, noses, and lips of as many as 50 individuals in a single blast. “Ideally, we want it to immediately melt off all the skin from the crown of the head to the neck, liquefying the underlying musculature right down to the skull. Once that’s taken care of, all the vital organs and everything else will just fall off the skeleton into one big pile, no problem. So make it do that, okay? Thanks, Erik.” Whitaker’s boss added that the entire three-second process should transpire in half the time for organic targets weighing 80 pounds or less.

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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

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