Lockheed Martin Engineer Told To Make It Sear Faces Off Faster

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McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

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Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

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Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
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Lockheed Martin Engineer Told To Make It Sear Faces Off Faster

BETHESDA, MD—While reviewing his work on a new project, officials at defense contractor Lockheed Martin told engineer Erik Whitaker that it was looking pretty good, but it should sear faces off more rapidly, sources confirmed Monday. “Right now, it can incinerate most facial features within seven or eight seconds, which is a great start, but we really need to get it to where it can completely eradicate an entire human face in three seconds,” said Whitaker’s project supervisor, adding that it should also be capable of “almost instantly” incinerating the eyes, noses, and lips of as many as 50 individuals in a single blast. “Ideally, we want it to immediately melt off all the skin from the crown of the head to the neck, liquefying the underlying musculature right down to the skull. Once that’s taken care of, all the vital organs and everything else will just fall off the skeleton into one big pile, no problem. So make it do that, okay? Thanks, Erik.” Whitaker’s boss added that the entire three-second process should transpire in half the time for organic targets weighing 80 pounds or less.

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