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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Loft Discussed At Loft Party

CHICAGO—Guests at David and Jill Holman's loft party last Saturday spent the bulk of the four-hour affair discussing various aspects of the loft, including its location, square footage, rent, division of space, acoustics, and previous use. "So it's not too cold in the winter?" guest Gail Shaughnessy asked at the two-hour mark of the loft-centric gathering. "It seems like heating bills would be a lot with the high ceiling."

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