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Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.

Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier.
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Logo Of Smiling Cartoon Tooth Holding Brush Inspires Nothing But Confidence In Local Oral Surgeon

GREENEVILLE, TN—A cartoon image of a giant tooth smiling and holding a toothbrush in the window of Dr. Howard Goldenthal’s office inspires nothing but total, unqualified confidence in his abilities, local patients of the oral surgeon confirmed Tuesday. “I was initially pretty nervous about getting my wisdom teeth out, but after seeing a sign on Dr. Goldenthal’s office featuring an anthropomorphic tooth waving a big toothbrush in one hand and giving a thumbs up with the other, I realized my concerns were both unfounded and ridiculous,” said 24-year-old Dennis Kierstead, adding that the fact that the tooth is happy and clean-looking is, in itself, proof positive that Dr. Goldenthal is a trained medical professional of the highest stature. “I looked into the tooth’s big, round, googly eyes and immediately thought, ‘What am I worried about? This is clearly an establishment of unblemished excellence, and I have no problem with this dentist anaesthetizing me and sticking sharp metal instruments into my mouth.’” Kierstead also confirmed he was put even more at ease after seeing the name of the establishment was Dependable Dental.

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Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

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