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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Logo Of Smiling Cartoon Tooth Holding Brush Inspires Nothing But Confidence In Local Oral Surgeon

GREENEVILLE, TN—A cartoon image of a giant tooth smiling and holding a toothbrush in the window of Dr. Howard Goldenthal’s office inspires nothing but total, unqualified confidence in his abilities, local patients of the oral surgeon confirmed Tuesday. “I was initially pretty nervous about getting my wisdom teeth out, but after seeing a sign on Dr. Goldenthal’s office featuring an anthropomorphic tooth waving a big toothbrush in one hand and giving a thumbs up with the other, I realized my concerns were both unfounded and ridiculous,” said 24-year-old Dennis Kierstead, adding that the fact that the tooth is happy and clean-looking is, in itself, proof positive that Dr. Goldenthal is a trained medical professional of the highest stature. “I looked into the tooth’s big, round, googly eyes and immediately thought, ‘What am I worried about? This is clearly an establishment of unblemished excellence, and I have no problem with this dentist anaesthetizing me and sticking sharp metal instruments into my mouth.’” Kierstead also confirmed he was put even more at ease after seeing the name of the establishment was Dependable Dental.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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