adBlockCheck

Logo Of Smiling Cartoon Tooth Holding Brush Inspires Nothing But Confidence In Local Oral Surgeon

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Logo Of Smiling Cartoon Tooth Holding Brush Inspires Nothing But Confidence In Local Oral Surgeon

GREENEVILLE, TN—A cartoon image of a giant tooth smiling and holding a toothbrush in the window of Dr. Howard Goldenthal’s office inspires nothing but total, unqualified confidence in his abilities, local patients of the oral surgeon confirmed Tuesday. “I was initially pretty nervous about getting my wisdom teeth out, but after seeing a sign on Dr. Goldenthal’s office featuring an anthropomorphic tooth waving a big toothbrush in one hand and giving a thumbs up with the other, I realized my concerns were both unfounded and ridiculous,” said 24-year-old Dennis Kierstead, adding that the fact that the tooth is happy and clean-looking is, in itself, proof positive that Dr. Goldenthal is a trained medical professional of the highest stature. “I looked into the tooth’s big, round, googly eyes and immediately thought, ‘What am I worried about? This is clearly an establishment of unblemished excellence, and I have no problem with this dentist anaesthetizing me and sticking sharp metal instruments into my mouth.’” Kierstead also confirmed he was put even more at ease after seeing the name of the establishment was Dependable Dental.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close