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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Lolo Jones

Track and Field, Hurdles — Des Moines, Iowa

Event At Which She’s Most Likely To Win Gold: 60-meter tripping

Workout Routine: Carefully watched by leering creeps

Disappointment: Wind-assisted 7.88 at 2007 nationals marred by fact that wind only did it to get in her pants

Post-Olympic Plans: To finish writing book about her choice to live as an adult virgin, Jump Hurdles, Not Guys

Occupation: Still looking for full-time job jumping over small barriers

NEXT: Jordyn Wieber

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