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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Lolo Jones

Track and Field, Hurdles — Des Moines, Iowa

Event At Which She’s Most Likely To Win Gold: 60-meter tripping

Workout Routine: Carefully watched by leering creeps

Disappointment: Wind-assisted 7.88 at 2007 nationals marred by fact that wind only did it to get in her pants

Post-Olympic Plans: To finish writing book about her choice to live as an adult virgin, Jump Hurdles, Not Guys

Occupation: Still looking for full-time job jumping over small barriers

NEXT: Jordyn Wieber

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