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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Lolo Jones Becomes First American To Be Objectified In Both Winter And Summer Events

SOCHI, RUSSIA—Once again attracting widespread attention in the media for her looks, U.S. Olympic bobsled team member and track star Lolo Jones has become the first American to be objectified in both the Winter and Summer Olympics. “To be selected as the target of either praise or condemnation for reasons based solely on my physical appearance in two different games is truly an honor,” said Jones, adding that the achievement would not have been possible without the national media’s longstanding practice of placing a disproportionate emphasis on the beauty of female athletes as well as the forces of marketing and advertising that encourage that mentality. “At first it was hard learning how to submit myself to stereotypical representations of women in two completely different sports, until I started seeing the similarities between the two. At the end of the day I’m still being asked to pose in skintight suits for photoshoots and visit talk shows under the false pretense of discussing my athletic accomplishments.” Though the 31-year-old athlete confirmed she is still experiencing pre-race jitters, Jones believes that she has what it takes to compete for another endorsement exploiting her sex appeal.

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