adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
End Of Section
  • More News

Lone Doofus Has Been Waiting 36 Hours For Next C Train

BROOKLYN, NY—Despite the fact that all New York City subway service has been shut down since Sunday night due to Hurricane Sandy, area doofus Matt Crumskey has reportedly spent the past 36 hours waiting for the next C train to arrive at the Broadway Junction stop. “I know the subway is delayed sometimes, but this is getting ridiculous,” said the bumbling halfwit, who somehow blundered his way past the tape blocking the subway entrance, oblivious to the numerous signs stating that service had been halted due to a devastating storm ravaging the Northeast. “I’d try taking a different line, but I already paid my fare, and I know the second I leave this platform, the train will get here. And then I’d probably get caught in the rain out there.” The imbecile added that since he was the only one waiting on the platform, at least he could be sure that the train wouldn’t be too crowded once it finally arrived.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close