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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Lone Gunman Enters Crowded Restaurant

'I'm Just Meeting A Friend For Lunch,' Says Lisa Gunman

KANSAS CITY, MO—Bystanders at the Wyandotte Street Cheesecake Factory confirmed that a lone Gunman entered the crowded restaurant at approximately 12:30 p.m. today. “It’s my lunch hour,” said local department store employee Lisa Gunman, making her way through dozens of unsuspecting men, women, and children seated throughout the establishment. “Listen, my friend will be here soon. She’s just running a little late.” As of press time, the sole Gunman had reportedly yet to flee the scene.

This is an update of a previous story: Gunman Kills Zero At Kansas City Area Mall

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