adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
End Of Section
  • More News

Lone Gunman Enters Crowded Restaurant

'I'm Just Meeting A Friend For Lunch,' Says Lisa Gunman

KANSAS CITY, MO—Bystanders at the Wyandotte Street Cheesecake Factory confirmed that a lone Gunman entered the crowded restaurant at approximately 12:30 p.m. today. “It’s my lunch hour,” said local department store employee Lisa Gunman, making her way through dozens of unsuspecting men, women, and children seated throughout the establishment. “Listen, my friend will be here soon. She’s just running a little late.” As of press time, the sole Gunman had reportedly yet to flee the scene.

This is an update of a previous story: Gunman Kills Zero At Kansas City Area Mall

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close