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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
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Lone Gunman Envied By Married Gunman

LOS ANGELES—If you ask Dale Henderson, a local assassin who celebrated his eighth wedding anniversary last month, lone gunman John Kingsley has no idea how good he has it.

Able to stay out as late as he wants holding innocent civilians hostage, and free to make weekend murder plans without first getting permission from his wife, the 29-year-old bachelor is "as lucky as they come."

Henderson, stuck at home doing chores again.

"What I'd give to trade places with that guy," Henderson said Monday after watching Kingsley shoot up a community college campus on the evening news. "Running around firing indiscriminately into a crowd of people—now that's someone who doesn't have to wake up early to go furniture shopping tomorrow."

"Enjoy it while it lasts, buddy," Henderson added. "Enjoy it while it lasts."

Henderson, 37, who said he hasn't had a spare moment to himself atop an abandoned warehouse in months, openly admitted that he was jealous of Kingsley's lifestyle. Tired of always having to stop trailing a potential victim to pick up a gallon of milk, Henderson said he can only hope Kingsley doesn't take his freedom for granted.

"John should appreciate how fortunate he is to be able to spend all night staring unblinkingly at his bedroom's ceiling fan," Henderson said. "Don't get me wrong, I love Sheila. But sometimes a man just needs some time alone to plan the untimely death of a local judge."

After an afternoon spent wistfully leafing through old news clippings from his life as a carefree, single gunman, Henderson seemed to long for the days when he could walk up to any random attractive woman on the street, put a gun to her head, and pull the trigger without having to feel guilty.

Henderson also said he wished he still had the freedom to cover the walls of his home with photos of supermodels, celebrity athletes, and other future targets rather than the dainty flower patterns his wife selected.

"Often when I'm helping Sheila clean out the attic, I wonder what that lucky lone gunman is up to with all his spare time," Henderson said. "Probably climbing to the top of a clock tower or threatening to pump some worthless bastard full of lead if he calls the police."

Added Henderson, "God, I know I would be."

Kingsley's recent slaughter at an area McDonald's has also been difficult for the married gunman to endure, since his wife would "probably have [his] head" if he ever set foot inside a fast-food restaurant. And, with countless new responsibilities, Henderson claimed that, unlike Kingsley, the closest he ever gets to terrorizing a post office nowadays is going out to mail Christmas cards.

"It must be nice not to have to answer to anyone, or explain where you've been all day," Henderson said. "And I can't imagine John has ever totally missed the visiting presidential motorcade because someone forgot to put gas in the car."

Though Henderson remains jealous that, as a young wanted man, Kingsley gets to sleep in a different safe house every night, he admitted that matrimony still has its upsides.

"It's nice to know there's always someone waiting there for you, regardless of how bad your day has been," Henderson said. "Plus, the alibi thing doesn't hurt."

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