Lone Gunman Envied By Married Gunman

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Preparedness

Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Lone Gunman Envied By Married Gunman

LOS ANGELES—If you ask Dale Henderson, a local assassin who celebrated his eighth wedding anniversary last month, lone gunman John Kingsley has no idea how good he has it.

Able to stay out as late as he wants holding innocent civilians hostage, and free to make weekend murder plans without first getting permission from his wife, the 29-year-old bachelor is "as lucky as they come."

Henderson, stuck at home doing chores again.

"What I'd give to trade places with that guy," Henderson said Monday after watching Kingsley shoot up a community college campus on the evening news. "Running around firing indiscriminately into a crowd of people—now that's someone who doesn't have to wake up early to go furniture shopping tomorrow."

"Enjoy it while it lasts, buddy," Henderson added. "Enjoy it while it lasts."

Henderson, 37, who said he hasn't had a spare moment to himself atop an abandoned warehouse in months, openly admitted that he was jealous of Kingsley's lifestyle. Tired of always having to stop trailing a potential victim to pick up a gallon of milk, Henderson said he can only hope Kingsley doesn't take his freedom for granted.

"John should appreciate how fortunate he is to be able to spend all night staring unblinkingly at his bedroom's ceiling fan," Henderson said. "Don't get me wrong, I love Sheila. But sometimes a man just needs some time alone to plan the untimely death of a local judge."

After an afternoon spent wistfully leafing through old news clippings from his life as a carefree, single gunman, Henderson seemed to long for the days when he could walk up to any random attractive woman on the street, put a gun to her head, and pull the trigger without having to feel guilty.

Henderson also said he wished he still had the freedom to cover the walls of his home with photos of supermodels, celebrity athletes, and other future targets rather than the dainty flower patterns his wife selected.

"Often when I'm helping Sheila clean out the attic, I wonder what that lucky lone gunman is up to with all his spare time," Henderson said. "Probably climbing to the top of a clock tower or threatening to pump some worthless bastard full of lead if he calls the police."

Added Henderson, "God, I know I would be."

Kingsley's recent slaughter at an area McDonald's has also been difficult for the married gunman to endure, since his wife would "probably have [his] head" if he ever set foot inside a fast-food restaurant. And, with countless new responsibilities, Henderson claimed that, unlike Kingsley, the closest he ever gets to terrorizing a post office nowadays is going out to mail Christmas cards.

"It must be nice not to have to answer to anyone, or explain where you've been all day," Henderson said. "And I can't imagine John has ever totally missed the visiting presidential motorcade because someone forgot to put gas in the car."

Though Henderson remains jealous that, as a young wanted man, Kingsley gets to sleep in a different safe house every night, he admitted that matrimony still has its upsides.

"It's nice to know there's always someone waiting there for you, regardless of how bad your day has been," Henderson said. "Plus, the alibi thing doesn't hurt."