adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
End Of Section
  • More News

Lone Gunman Envied By Married Gunman

LOS ANGELES—If you ask Dale Henderson, a local assassin who celebrated his eighth wedding anniversary last month, lone gunman John Kingsley has no idea how good he has it.

Able to stay out as late as he wants holding innocent civilians hostage, and free to make weekend murder plans without first getting permission from his wife, the 29-year-old bachelor is "as lucky as they come."

Henderson, stuck at home doing chores again.

"What I'd give to trade places with that guy," Henderson said Monday after watching Kingsley shoot up a community college campus on the evening news. "Running around firing indiscriminately into a crowd of people—now that's someone who doesn't have to wake up early to go furniture shopping tomorrow."

"Enjoy it while it lasts, buddy," Henderson added. "Enjoy it while it lasts."

Henderson, 37, who said he hasn't had a spare moment to himself atop an abandoned warehouse in months, openly admitted that he was jealous of Kingsley's lifestyle. Tired of always having to stop trailing a potential victim to pick up a gallon of milk, Henderson said he can only hope Kingsley doesn't take his freedom for granted.

"John should appreciate how fortunate he is to be able to spend all night staring unblinkingly at his bedroom's ceiling fan," Henderson said. "Don't get me wrong, I love Sheila. But sometimes a man just needs some time alone to plan the untimely death of a local judge."

After an afternoon spent wistfully leafing through old news clippings from his life as a carefree, single gunman, Henderson seemed to long for the days when he could walk up to any random attractive woman on the street, put a gun to her head, and pull the trigger without having to feel guilty.

Henderson also said he wished he still had the freedom to cover the walls of his home with photos of supermodels, celebrity athletes, and other future targets rather than the dainty flower patterns his wife selected.

"Often when I'm helping Sheila clean out the attic, I wonder what that lucky lone gunman is up to with all his spare time," Henderson said. "Probably climbing to the top of a clock tower or threatening to pump some worthless bastard full of lead if he calls the police."

Added Henderson, "God, I know I would be."

Kingsley's recent slaughter at an area McDonald's has also been difficult for the married gunman to endure, since his wife would "probably have [his] head" if he ever set foot inside a fast-food restaurant. And, with countless new responsibilities, Henderson claimed that, unlike Kingsley, the closest he ever gets to terrorizing a post office nowadays is going out to mail Christmas cards.

"It must be nice not to have to answer to anyone, or explain where you've been all day," Henderson said. "And I can't imagine John has ever totally missed the visiting presidential motorcade because someone forgot to put gas in the car."

Though Henderson remains jealous that, as a young wanted man, Kingsley gets to sleep in a different safe house every night, he admitted that matrimony still has its upsides.

"It's nice to know there's always someone waiting there for you, regardless of how bad your day has been," Henderson said. "Plus, the alibi thing doesn't hurt."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close