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Lone House With No Halloween Decorations By Far Spookiest In Neighborhood

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CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

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CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Lone House With No Halloween Decorations By Far Spookiest In Neighborhood

OGALLALA, NE—The only house on the street that remains unadorned with Halloween decorations is far and away the spookiest home in the entire neighborhood, residents of Parkhill Drive told reporters today. “That place gives me the creeps,” said Jenna Dorsey, 36, who noted the residence’s eerie lack of fake cobwebs, hanging bats, or skeleton window decals. “Nobody really knows the people who live there very well, but whoever they are, they don’t celebrate holidays, I guess. It’s all a little spooky—the fluorescent lights glowing in the kitchen, the Ford Taurus parked in the garage, the front yard that’s completely overgrown with weeds.” Sources who briefly glimpsed a sullen-looking man wearing jeans and a T-shirt and walking around inside the house confirmed the sight was far more frightening than any costume they had seen yet today.

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