adBlockCheck

Lonely Teacher, Outcast Student Begin Somewhat Endearing Sexual Relationship

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Lonely Teacher, Outcast Student Begin Somewhat Endearing Sexual Relationship

The somehow really likable couple.
The somehow really likable couple.

FORT WORTH, TX—Filling the voids of loneliness present in their respective lives, Robert P. Hughes High School science teacher Lorraine Belmont, 33, and sophomore Matthew Clark, 16, have reportedly begun a sexual relationship that observers have described as being actually somewhat endearing.

"I guess I should be weirded out by the fact that my teacher is getting it on with one of my classmates, but I have to admit, it's kind of adorable," said sophomore Stephanie Elmore, who is in Belmont's honors chemistry class. "They both seemed so aimless and lonely that we were all, in a way, just really glad they found each other."

"They're a perfect match, frankly," Elmore added.

Faculty sources described Belmont as a sweet woman, if a bit high-strung and plain-looking, who in the past has dated sporadically at best. Clark, meanwhile, has been characterized by his peers as a deeply introverted student who, while rarely bullied, never had many friends and was "just sort of there."

But during the school's summer session, Belmont was spotted dropping Clark off a few blocks from campus a number of times, and Clark has reportedly skipped Spanish class on several occasions in order to see Belmont during her planning period, an occurrence that witnesses described as being "undeniably heartwarming to watch."

Despite the ethical problems Belmont and Clark's relationship may pose, members of the school community said the clandestine affair is probably the best thing for the both of them.

"We were all worried Lorraine would never find anyone," algebra teacher Willa Myers said. "My first impulse was to be upset about what she was doing, but the more I thought about it, the more the whole thing just made sense."

"She seems so much more upbeat these days," Myers added. "She's even wearing lipstick."

Clark's peers told reporters they have seen a notable shift in his personality since he began the relationship with his teacher.

"Matt really seems a lot more confident," junior Brian Marshall said. "He's got this glow about him I've never seen before. And, honestly, good for him. Maybe this will give him the validation he needs."

While unable to publicly congratulate Belmont and Clark on their relationship, students and faculty have privately been giddy with excitement about the couple, with even the school's administrators struggling to hide their smiles when they notice Belmont and Clark sneaking off during school assemblies.

"Every rule in the book says I should fire Ms. Belmont for abusing the teacher-student relationship, but it's honestly just too charming of a story," said the school's principal, Marcus Wallace. "Of course, there is a 17-year age difference, but I challenge anyone to watch the two of them stare at each other from across the gym during a pep rally and tell me that true love isn't real."

Students even found it "kind of great" when Clark accidentally called Belmont "baby" in class last week, a slip of the tongue they said would have been creepy under any other circumstances, but just felt really sweet in that moment.

At press time, students and faculty had cleared out of the school cafeteria to give the happy couple some privacy.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close