adBlockCheck

Business

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Tide Debuts New Sour Apple Detergent Pods

CINCINNATI—Calling it the perfect choice for consumers looking to add some tartness to their laundry, Procter and Gamble on Tuesday unveiled a new sour apple Tide detergent pod.

The iPhone Turns 10

A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Long John Silver’s Introduces New Golden Fried Abomination From The Deep

The deep-fried sea monstrosity, which could reportedly swallow three grown men at once in its cavernous jaws, will be available as a two-piece value meal or a po’ boy sandwich.
The deep-fried sea monstrosity, which could reportedly swallow three grown men at once in its cavernous jaws, will be available as a two-piece value meal or a po’ boy sandwich.

LOUISVILLE, KY—Calling it an “exciting new menu item dragged from the darkest reaches of the salty abyss,” executives at seafood restaurant chain Long John Silver’s introduced their latest fast-food offering Thursday, the Golden Fried Abomination From The Deep.

The deep-fried ocean beast, which was reportedly subdued by the restaurant’s fishermen following an arduous three-day-long battle in the North Sea that claimed the lives of 80 good men, will be available at participating franchise locations for a limited time only.

“We are pleased to offer our guests a taste of the unimaginable horrors that lurk in the briny deep,” said company spokesperson Eric Hutcherson, adding that the nightmarish, slithering mass—whose powerful, iron-like tentacles could snap ships’ masts as though they were so much kindling—is dredged in Long John Silver’s signature batter and cooked until golden brown. “Pulled straight from Davy Jones’ Locker, which it made the watery grave of many a brave and noble sailor, this ungodly leviathan comes with fries, creamy coleslaw, and a 20-ounce fountain beverage of your choice for just $4.99.”

“And if you want to give Mom the night off, you can order the 16-piece Golden Fried Abomination From The Deep Family Platter,” Hutcherson continued.

“Each bite of the Golden Fried Abomination From The Deep contains within it the futile screams of the great beast’s countless victims, their last vision on this earth its monstrous, unblinking, blood-red eyes. And every last forkful has a light, crispy crunch, with just a hint of garlic.”

The undersea terror from the blackest depths, which was said to be first referenced in Scandinavian folklore dating back to the eighth century, was reportedly hunted by Long John Silver’s, Inc. for nearly 20 years before it was finally added to the menu this month. Sources said the fast-food chain’s fleet relentlessly pursued the scaly monstrosity from the Sea of Japan to the Strait of Magellan in its efforts to bring the creature to lunch and dinner customers nationwide.

According to promotional materials, the abhorrent sea monster only grew larger and stronger as it dragged innumerable ships—from Roman slave galleys to Nantucket whalers—to the ocean floor during its centuries-long reign of terror. Company spokespeople added that the grotesque deep-sea being’s steady diet of helpless seafarers is what, in part, gives Long John Silver’s latest dish its unique flavor and texture.

“Each bite of the Golden Fried Abomination From The Deep contains within it the futile screams of the great beast’s countless victims, their last vision on this earth its monstrous, unblinking, blood-red eyes,” Hutcherson said. “And every last forkful has a light, crispy crunch, with just a hint of garlic.”

Those involved in the final, deadly hunt say the accursed creature used its 300-pound claws to snap the flagship’s bowsprit from its prow before dragging the 140-foot vessel for several hundred leagues until it was finally corralled in the shallow waters off the Faroe Islands, its death throes creating a massive tidal wave that destroyed several nearby fishing villages.

Long John Silver’s CEO James O’Reilly, who reportedly leapt on the abomination’s back and delivered the death blow with a black-forged harpoon of the strongest Norwegian steel, said he himself enjoys the new menu item with a squeeze of lemon.

“We lost our VP of marketing and four board members in the shoals off Scalloway, honest and true,” O’Reilly said, a single tear streaming from his remaining eye. “You’d do well to honor their sacrifice by trying the Golden Fried Abomination From The Deep with our new zesty chipotle tartar sauce.”

Reports indicate that the dying behemoth, which can also be prepared grilled for customers seeking a healthier alternative, issued forth an unearthly shriek that deafened all within a hundred miles for several hours.

“I thought it was pretty good,” said Long John Silver’s customer Donald Bell, of Knightdale, NC, who ordered a Golden Fried Abomination From The Deep Value Meal. “It’s a little chewy, but I didn’t really mind.”

“The inky-black, poison-rimmed suckers had a nice little zip to ’em,” Bell added.

Long John Silver’s said it aims to expand the Abomination menu to include the 50,000 embryos found in the creature’s egg sac, which it plans to fry and flavor with its popcorn shrimp seasoning.


More from this section

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close