Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Long Story Short, They Had To Cut Off Area Guy's Arm

PHOENIX–Long story short, surgeons were forced to amputate this guy's right arm above the elbow, sources reported Tuesday. "Yeah, well, the guy'll live, but, whoa," Mercy Hospital chief of surgery Dr. Ed Lane said. "Apparently, he was bombed out of his skull and wandered onto the Grove Street site where they're putting up that new library and, man, I won't go into it, but let's just say, 'So long, arm.'"

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