‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Long Story Short, They Had To Cut Off Area Guy's Arm

PHOENIX–Long story short, surgeons were forced to amputate this guy's right arm above the elbow, sources reported Tuesday. "Yeah, well, the guy'll live, but, whoa," Mercy Hospital chief of surgery Dr. Ed Lane said. "Apparently, he was bombed out of his skull and wandered onto the Grove Street site where they're putting up that new library and, man, I won't go into it, but let's just say, 'So long, arm.'"

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