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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Longtime Heckler Just Kind Of Fell Into Heckling

LOS ANGELES—Comedy-club regular Ray Thurmond, 53, has heckled Southern California's comedians for the past 21 years, but he told reporters Monday that he never planned to become a heckler. "I was watching some awful act at the Comedy Store, and the guy was totally bombing," Thurmond said. "So I yelled, 'God, you suck.' Well, the audience really cracked up, so I yelled at him to get off the stage. One thing led to another, and here I am." Thurmond also said that, while he did not coin the phrase, he may have been responsible for introducing the concept of not quitting your day job to the local scene.

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