Longtime Married Couple Subjected To Excruciating 'Romantic Weekend Getaway'

Top Headlines


Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Longtime Married Couple Subjected To Excruciating 'Romantic Weekend Getaway'

KENOSHA, WI—Sources report that longtime married couple Duane and Edna Schumacher's weekend stay at Chicago's FantasyLand Suites was a grueling ordeal of unwelcome interruptions to their long-established marital routine.

Edna and Duane Schumacher prepare to leave home for their agonizing weekend at FantasyLand (inset).

"Oh, for Jiminy Cricket," Edna, 52, said Monday after returning from the trip, a 30th anniversary gift from her daughters. "Why the girls thought either one of us would find such an experience enjoyable is beyond me."

She added: "I was planning to weed my flower bed and maybe scrub out the back sink, which is just covered in muck, but now the whole weekend's shot."

The Schumachers said the unbearable ordeal began at check-in, when the reservations clerk handed the couple their keys, winked, and said, "Enjoy your stay." From that moment forth, virtually everything that occurred during the weekend induced cringes and winces from the aging pair.

"I love Edna, and I enjoy spending time with her," Duane, 58, said. "But when you're at that place, wherever you go, you know that the staff thinks you're either just coming from, or on your way to, having sex. I don't care for that kind of attention."

Thinking that "once they got settled, they would at least be able to relax," the Schumachers realized upon entering their suite that there was no escape from the crippling awkwardness that awaited them. At the sight of the red plush carpeting, red light bulbs, garish neo-Victorian nudes, and ceiling mirrors above the waterbed, Duane said he began having a severe attack of acid reflux.

The retiree, whose nighttime routine includes a shower at approximately 8 p.m., said that when he saw the heart-shaped hot tub in the center of the room, his first thought was, "How am I going to take a shower in that?"

According to Edna, a complimentary gift basket on the dresser contained flowers, Godiva chocolates, passion-fruit bubble bath, body oil, condoms, and "several battery-operated 'marital aids' that I don't care to describe."

"The chocolates were good," she said. "But they were the only thing we had to eat. Was that the hotel's idea of a proper supper?"

Edna, who privately told her daughter that she has been haunted by the image of her husband's posterior ever since she saw him emerge from the hot tub Friday evening, said, "There was an Inspector Lynley on Channel 13 that I was hoping to catch Friday night."

As the romantic weekend away from home progressed, so did the aging couple's agony.

"I could hardly sleep, which kept Edna awake, too," Duane said. "And that waterbed made Edna so seasick, I had to get up and make a 1 a.m. trip to Walgreens to get Dramamine."

On Saturday morning, the couple said they were informed that FantasyLand Suites does not offer morning newspapers—leading Duane to spend close to an hour angrily bellowing, "What do I have to do to just get a copy of the paper?!"

"It was even worse in the breakfast dining room," Edna said. "There we were, surrounded by young couples who were all over each other, and Duane is barking at me about 'What kind of a hotel doesn't have Total?'"

That night, the Schumachers suffered through a moonlight cruise on Lake Michigan, complete with violin accompaniment. During the cruise, which lasted for several hours, Duane said he had no way to return to shore to access the overnight bag containing his foot medication. Additionally, the couple missed their normal evening newscast.

On Sunday morning, the couple checked out and spent the rest of the day at a local Motel 6.

"We've been married for 30 years. There comes a point in a man and woman's life when you're happy just to get a good night's sleep," Duane said.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close