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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Longtime Reader Of Lib-Slaves.info Sick Of Mainstream Bias On Sites Like WideAwakePatriot.com

ST. PAUL, MN—Wondering how anyone could read the articles in such publications and not recognize them as “total establishment propaganda,” local man Mark Furlong, a longtime reader of Lib-Slaves.info, told reporters Monday he was sick and tired of the obvious mainstream biases on news sites like WideAwakePatriot.com. “You wouldn’t believe the nonsense WideAwakePatriot and ArmedLibertyNews are pushing about how the world elites meet in Davos, Switzerland to rig the global economy, when if you actually paid attention to the facts the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know about, you’d realize that the actual power players of the Jew World Order meet every day in Los Angeles to design their doomsday compounds and determine new methods to control us,” said the 36-year-old, who praised Lib-Slaves.info for offering honest reporting of current events, explaining that he was thankful he wasn’t one of the “sheep” who blindly believe the misinformation that WideAwakePatriot.com was intentionally spreading to push its ruling-class agenda. “It’s so frustrating to see so-called journalists claiming that John Podesta’s hacked emails show his involvement in child prostitution, when in reality, they’re a clear indication of his membership in a D.C.–wide cannibalism ring. But you’re never going to get the full picture from the biased reporters at WideAwakePatriot.com. You can’t believe a site like that.” At press time, Furlong was bemoaning the gross incompleteness of a list of people the Clintons had murdered on a message board at UncuckedSentinel.net.

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