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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Longtime Reader Of Lib-Slaves.info Sick Of Mainstream Bias On Sites Like WideAwakePatriot.com

ST. PAUL, MN—Wondering how anyone could read the articles in such publications and not recognize them as “total establishment propaganda,” local man Mark Furlong, a longtime reader of Lib-Slaves.info, told reporters Monday he was sick and tired of the obvious mainstream biases on news sites like WideAwakePatriot.com. “You wouldn’t believe the nonsense WideAwakePatriot and ArmedLibertyNews are pushing about how the world elites meet in Davos, Switzerland to rig the global economy, when if you actually paid attention to the facts the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know about, you’d realize that the actual power players of the Jew World Order meet every day in Los Angeles to design their doomsday compounds and determine new methods to control us,” said the 36-year-old, who praised Lib-Slaves.info for offering honest reporting of current events, explaining that he was thankful he wasn’t one of the “sheep” who blindly believe the misinformation that WideAwakePatriot.com was intentionally spreading to push its ruling-class agenda. “It’s so frustrating to see so-called journalists claiming that John Podesta’s hacked emails show his involvement in child prostitution, when in reality, they’re a clear indication of his membership in a D.C.–wide cannibalism ring. But you’re never going to get the full picture from the biased reporters at WideAwakePatriot.com. You can’t believe a site like that.” At press time, Furlong was bemoaning the gross incompleteness of a list of people the Clintons had murdered on a message board at UncuckedSentinel.net.

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