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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Longtime Residents Worry Roommate With Well-Paid Job Slowly Gentrifying Apartment

DENVER—Noting that many areas are completely unrecognizable compared to when they first moved in years ago, residents of 1102 Larimer Street Apartment 2B told reporters Thursday they’ve begun to worry their well-paid roommate is slowly gentrifying the apartment. “I don’t hold anything against Mark personally for having a good job, but as soon as he moved in, the framed pictures started going up, and this place has lost a lot of its original character,” longtime roommate John Wertz said of the new arched floor lamp, Whole Foods groceries in the pantry, and a potted succulent plant that have slowly replaced the apartment’s longtime furnishings and steadily reshaped the space’s look. “It first started in the living room when Mark replaced the old green futon that had been there forever with a brand-new Crate & Barrel couch, but then it began to spread, and you started seeing a new candle pop up here or a set of matching coffee cups there. Of course, change can be good, but sometimes I look around and think, ‘Where do I even live anymore?’” At press time, sources reported that the Mr. Coffee on the kitchen countertop had been forced out of the apartment by a new De’Longhi espresso machine.


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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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