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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Longtime Residents Worry Roommate With Well-Paid Job Slowly Gentrifying Apartment

DENVER—Noting that many areas are completely unrecognizable compared to when they first moved in years ago, residents of 1102 Larimer Street Apartment 2B told reporters Thursday they’ve begun to worry their well-paid roommate is slowly gentrifying the apartment. “I don’t hold anything against Mark personally for having a good job, but as soon as he moved in, the framed pictures started going up, and this place has lost a lot of its original character,” longtime roommate John Wertz said of the new arched floor lamp, Whole Foods groceries in the pantry, and a potted succulent plant that have slowly replaced the apartment’s longtime furnishings and steadily reshaped the space’s look. “It first started in the living room when Mark replaced the old green futon that had been there forever with a brand-new Crate & Barrel couch, but then it began to spread, and you started seeing a new candle pop up here or a set of matching coffee cups there. Of course, change can be good, but sometimes I look around and think, ‘Where do I even live anymore?’” At press time, sources reported that the Mr. Coffee on the kitchen countertop had been forced out of the apartment by a new De’Longhi espresso machine.


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