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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Longtime Teacher Retires Without Changing A Single Student's Life

MARION, OH—Local residents on Friday struggled to recollect the legacy of educator Jerry Kowalski, 68, who next month will complete his 43-year teaching career without having had a lasting impact on the life of even one of his students. "Oh, yeah, that guy. English class, right? I kind of remember him," software manager and 1998 Harding High School graduate Andrew Dillard said of his former history teacher, who failed to impart a single life lesson or piece of unforgettable encouragement to any of the 7,178 students who passed through his classroom over the years. "I don't recall him offering advice or motivating me to make something of myself or anything like that, but I guess he was all right. I think he gave me a B, which was cool." In contrast, fellow faculty members said they would always remember their departing colleague as someone who sat in the corner of the teacher's lounge smoking and never said much.

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