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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Longtime Teacher Retires Without Changing A Single Student's Life

MARION, OH—Local residents on Friday struggled to recollect the legacy of educator Jerry Kowalski, 68, who next month will complete his 43-year teaching career without having had a lasting impact on the life of even one of his students. "Oh, yeah, that guy. English class, right? I kind of remember him," software manager and 1998 Harding High School graduate Andrew Dillard said of his former history teacher, who failed to impart a single life lesson or piece of unforgettable encouragement to any of the 7,178 students who passed through his classroom over the years. "I don't recall him offering advice or motivating me to make something of myself or anything like that, but I guess he was all right. I think he gave me a B, which was cool." In contrast, fellow faculty members said they would always remember their departing colleague as someone who sat in the corner of the teacher's lounge smoking and never said much.

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