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Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Longtime Teacher Retires Without Changing A Single Student's Life

MARION, OH—Local residents on Friday struggled to recollect the legacy of educator Jerry Kowalski, 68, who next month will complete his 43-year teaching career without having had a lasting impact on the life of even one of his students. "Oh, yeah, that guy. English class, right? I kind of remember him," software manager and 1998 Harding High School graduate Andrew Dillard said of his former history teacher, who failed to impart a single life lesson or piece of unforgettable encouragement to any of the 7,178 students who passed through his classroom over the years. "I don't recall him offering advice or motivating me to make something of myself or anything like that, but I guess he was all right. I think he gave me a B, which was cool." In contrast, fellow faculty members said they would always remember their departing colleague as someone who sat in the corner of the teacher's lounge smoking and never said much.

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